Married to Kurdish man

Submitted by Lou (United Kingdom), Aug 16, 2019 at 21:18

I'm from the U.K., been married to a kurdish Iraqi since 2011. He was quite verbally and physically abusive more or less straight away.

He was a refused asylum seeker in the U.K. very good looking but also I think I felt sorry for him and was trying to give him the life he never had in his country, nice clothes, holidays etc..

He was working illegally and sending his money home while I kept him, which began to get on my nerves fairly quickly.

Cut a long story short he ended up going to prison for his violence against me, yes that was the respect I got for everything I did for him.

He then called me from prison when he shouldn't have done, crying, blah blah and I fell for it and for 2 years I visit pedi bum and sent him money and basically didn't have a life other than work and home and he was still using the phone in prison to control me, ask8ng my whereabouts etc..
sometime he would verbally abuse me on prison visits etc even the prison staff would notice and say I don't know why you come, but when I would leave the visits he would call me again upset and apologies.

He then was deported because of his criminal record.

6 months later I visited him in Iraq and paid for gifts for his family etc. And did all the family shopping etc..

My friends and family were worried when I went there because he had been violent in my own country.

He is also aggressive towards other people. He's always drinking alcohol most nights and he can sometimes become aggressive these times and it's quite scary.

He assaulted me a couple of times in Iraq.

I came back to the U.K. after 6 weeks.

Then he sneaked back to the U.K. and thought he would be able to claim asylum again but no chance as his criminal history is to bad and they won't accept him here, ever. I think he thought as he is married to me a British citizen this would enable him to to stay but he thought wrong.

He tried to say to the authorities that my wife has been to my country after he was deported and my family wouldn't accept her so she returned to the U.K. and I followed her, but immigration didn't believe him for one minute and he was deported again. In the meantime he cause more violence agin when he sneaked back also.

I then went to Iraq again in 2016 and even taught English in a school and got a good salary and he took my money from me even though I had rented an apartment for us, furnished it, took his family gifts, him clothing and a playstation 4 etc and basically everything I've paid for since meeting him.

And then also he has used my money to support his family and always saying things like that I want to make them happy.

I feel like a mug and now I've got very sick of it.

I lasted the second time in Iraq for just over two months, I feel nervous a lot of the time around him as especially when he's drinking he can start being nasty to me.

Then in 2018 I took him on a schengen spouse visa to another country in Europe it was supposed to be a holiday for a couple of weeks but he saw opportunity and tried to claim asylum in that county which I told him would fail but he refused to listen, I told him that they would know he was deported from the U.K..

Anyway after waiting for 1 year his asylum process came to an end and he was refused.

In the meantime he was doing wrong things and was making money in a wrong way and he has now just over a month really had no choice but to return back to Iraq as he keeps getting arrested in Europe and I think he knows eventually he will go to prison.

He never listens to a word I tell him, he is like a immature little boy but a bully and not that well liked when people find out what he's like.

Certain members of his family and loads of his friends as well, acquaintances have told him, look after your wife you will not get a wife like her for everything she has put up with and done for you. They have told him not even an Iraqi wife will do for you what she has done for you.

Divorce rate in his county is escalating and a lot of the women won't put up with the violence and control etc anymore and there is a lot of infidelity there.

The last time I was with him physically was in Europe 5 months ago and he hurt me again whilst he was drunk, in fact to be honest with you I feel very embarrassed but I had to jump out of the car he was drunk driving and I hurt my ribs etc... and he had just turned up at my work place to pick me up where I had got a job and a manager asked him to move his car and he started a fight with him. His friend told him don't do that as your wife is inside the building and it is her workplace but he wouldn't listen to his friend and abused his friend then for not helping him to make a fight with the manager.

So I made an excuse and returned to the U.K. I was probably quite lucky to be alive after jumping from the car and him trying to scare me.

One thing my husband hates being told is the word No.

Anyway he is now in Iraq and spending the money he made doing wrong things and this money is going quite quickly and he is calling me several times everyday to go back, but I just don't feel I can because I'm to scared from him now. He's done to much to me.

I don't know what to do, he just wants to drink all the time and can never get his life together.

He knows I could get a good salary there teaching English but even then he messes everything up because he will stay up till late being drunk and loud, he constantly needs attention from me, family, strangers, I'm definitely sure he is a narcissist.

I know I would be wasting my time to go back to him, and his immediate family are all drinkers and would you believe that my husband who is Muslim even sits and drinks alcohol with his father and his fathers brothers, but I don't know how to end things with him.

It's horrible to be in a relationship with someone who will just scare you into submission when they want their own way. And in Iraq I can't just so easily up and run away.

I am like his mum to him, telling him how to behave, looking after him financially etc but he has no respect for me at all.

There is no benefit in this relationship at all for me. In the 8 years we have been married probably I have spent around 2 years with him physically as the rest of the Time he has been in prison or in his country or immigration detention but we have always have had daily contact via the phone and I am used to him constantly being in contact with me. He always wants to be in contact with me, several times a time and calls constantly.

I can sort out my divorce in the U.K., I'm not sure how the solicitor will serve papers on him in Iraq but as for my Iraqi marriage I don't know how to deal with that one.

I know that this marriage is pointless and ruining my life and I've done everything I can to help him but he's not right in his head to have a nice settled life at all and I'm sick of supporting him and his family and have nothing for myself.

What do you the best way forward is to deal with this?

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