New GI Bill to address gas, bloating, constipation, and other agita caused by pre-traumatic stress syndrome

Submitted by Kaustik (United States), Nov 12, 2009 at 10:11

Worried about the prospect of experiencing stress? Concerned that your worries may adversely impact your quality of life? Troubled by the rash of concerns evinced by your peers as they worry about stress?

In the new army it takes a village! Don't be a fool and rush into harm's way! Don't be the idiot who takes one for the team! Instead, take advantage of the new GI bill and eat and exercise your way to a better life. Today's enlistment in the Armed Forces need no longer set you back on the path to success. Why defer gratification when you can be on your way to a better you now?

The day after your induction, you will be airlifted to a Caribbean higher educational institution where you can sample a smorgasbord of tasty, nutritious, and consciousness-raising offerings even as you take long contemplative walks down a sun-bleached beach with a compliant lifestyle enhancement officer on your arm.

We deploy no male, female, or she/male to a combat zone before their time. And who knows better than you when that time has come? So take your time, get to know the real you, triangulate your place in the cosmos. The bad guys will still be there when you are ready to step up to the plate and experience the gut-churning excitement of viewing a combat zone from a webcam a continent away.

So, don't delay, act now to enlist and take your life to a whole new level. And leave the driving to us!

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