President Trump's State of the Union Speech

Submitted by Dave (United States), Dec 11, 2015 at 20:57

My fellow Americans,

I come before you to report on our progress on many vital issues affecting our country. Rest assured that the days of America the Chump are being replaced by America, Triumphant Under Trump! (applause). We're negotiating a fair trade agreement with China, which for once, will make sure that those clever Chinese; they are very clever indeed - I love the Chinese! - won't take advantage of us any more, thanks to the brilliant minds I've assigned to this project, directed by my good friend Carl Icahn. He's a bulldog! (scattered applause). On healthcare, I want all of our veterans to have the very best, so we've decided to scrap Obamacare and transfer all of those savings to our veterans - as long it goes to the ones who weren't captured, Ha! Ha! (applause, laughter, boos). Now, let me get to the most important issue of all: Security.

We've started building a wall with Mexico and we're taxing Mexican imports to pay for it, and I have a team of lawyers working out the details on how to deport all illegal aliens. every last one (applause, boos). But don't worry, we will do it even if I have to call up the National Guard and arrest the Supreme Court (applause, boos, catcalls). No more rapists and criminals coming in and out as they please under Trump! (applause, boos). No more sanctuary cities! Now really, I employ thousands of Mexicans and they are great people, but we have to send the bad apples back or we're not a country anymore; we'll be just a bunch of chumps being screwed over by those clever Mexicans - and Oh Yes, they are very, very sly indeed! (applause, boos). As for terrorism, we have taken all steps possible to temporarily keep out Muslims. Polls show that many of them support violence against America and Sharia. Better safe than sorry, so keep them all out! (applause, boos)

Now, I have many good friends who are Muslim and they are very capable, but we need to figure this out. Imagine if President Bush had only done that right after 911 instead of rushing into Iraq and Afghanistan - it would have saved thousand of lives and trillions of dollars. We got nothing for that, not even any oil. Well, let's face it, that guy couldn't get elected dog catcher after that. (applause, boos, laughter, catcalls). Hi, Jeb, you loser! Yes, I respect Muslims and you can't blame them for going after people who deliberately antagonize them, like when they draw those cartoons. I have great people who are trying to figure out what's going on with them, because quite frankly, Arabic is all Greek to me, Ha! Ha! (nervous laughter), and when we do figure it out we'll let some of them back in, maybe. As for ISIS, we have joined with Putin - not a bad guy really, we're old friends from 60 Minutes - and are bombing the crap out of them. Meanwhile, I just hope we don't have any terrorist attacks and have to watch Muslims cheering in the streets like they did in New Jersey after 911. (scattered applause). And Yes, I saw it too, so don't believe those filthy liars in the news media. (catcalls, applause).

Finally, being the great builder that I am, I've decided to remodel the White House - It's so old fashioned and tired - to be just as modern and imposing and stunning as any of my best hotels in Vegas, even better! (applause, laughter, gasps) Only the best for America, and the best President ever will make sure it gets it! (partial standing ovation)

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