Insecurity Clearance

Submitted by E (United States), Oct 24, 2008 at 20:22

"Insecurity Clearance"

It was his first day in office, and he draped his lanky legs over Lincoln's desk, and lit up a cigarette. On the wall behind him were portraits of presidents and statesmen he felt would set a benchmark for his own administration: Millard Fillmore, Franklin Pierce, Herbert Hoover, Aaron Burr.

There was a knock outside the Oval Office.

"Come in."

"Good morning, Mr. President."

"Colin, hello. Thanks again for that endorsement during the campaign. Sorry I couldn't make you Defense Secretary, but I thought congressman Murtha was a natural for the job."

"Believe me, sir, I've had my fill of public service."

"So what brings you here today, General Powell?"

"Sir, my former departments, Defense and State, have asked me to run a security clearance on you."

"Why would I need that? I'm the president!"

"It's purely a formality, sir. I just have to ask you a few questions, so we can fill out the requisite forms."

"Well, let's make it quick. I have to get to the congressional prayer breakfast; I wouldn't want to miss Rev. Wright's invocation."

"Certainly. Mr. President, have you ever been a member of, or have had associations with, organizations or persons advocating the overthrow of the United States government?"

"That would be Bill Ayers. He was a member of the Weather Underground, and bombed the Pentagon—right around the time you were serving our nation in Vietnam."

"Have you had a close association with him?"

"We ran an education foundation together. But I don't really know him—he was just a guy in my neighborhood."

"Do you associate with anyone linked to him?"

"That would be Bernadette, his lovely wife. She bombed a police precinct in New York, and killed a cop."

"What is your association with her?"

"Don't really know her. Other than my first fundraiser as a politician—which was held in her apartment."

"Sir, do you know anyone else who advocates violence against the United States?!"

"Well, there's Rev. Wright, my mentor for 23 years. The man who baptized my children, and married me and Michelle. He doesn't quite advocate violence, but thinks those who commit violence against the United States, like the 9/11 hijackers, were justified. You know, America got what it deserved, chickens coming home to roost, that kind of thing."

"But he doesn't advocate violence himself, does he?"

"No, only his language is violent. Though our church had flyers backing the terror group Hamas, which advocates violence against Americans. Only those who deserve it, of course. I should say my former church. I only attend prayer breakfasts with Rev. Wright now."

"Sir, I have to say this is all somewhat disturbing. Have you ever committed a felony, or associated with felons?"

"Back in the day I did blow weed and snort coke, and maybe dealt a little in the latter, though no one's made a big stink over that possibility. And for years I was a close friend of Tony Rezko."

"Who's that?"

"The convicted Chicago real estate mogul. We essentially bought my first house together."

"Did you have any official dealings with him?"

"As state senator, I steered tens of millions to his firm, which he used to renovate public housing for the poor, before he walked away, leaving all the homes in ruin. That reminds me, we need an expanded program for the homeless."

"Mr. President, I have to say I'm shocked. Any other dealings with criminals or criminal groups?"

"There's ACORN. It committed massive fraud in over 15 states involving hundreds of thousands of fake voters to get me elected."

"Did you have any formal dealings with it?"

"Officially, no. But off the record: I trained its officers. I was a community organizer after all. And my campaign and I gave it over a million bucks."

"Sir, I must ask for reasons of security—have you recently been overseas?"

"Just to Iraq for a photo op, then a stopover in Germany to see our troops. Actually I went to the gym instead."

"I'm beginning to regret my endorsement. Have you had any associations with foreign countries or citizens?"

"Well, my campaign got tens of millions of dollars from abroad. I think that's illegal. I'll have my Attorney General David Axelrod look into it. As my former campaign manager, he's an expert on the subject."

"Mr. President, I'm afraid that, pending a formal investigation, I'm going to have to deny you a security clearance."

"Which means what?"

"It means you cannot work with any agency that does sensitive work. That would include the Defense, State, Homeland Security, Justice, Commerce, and Treasury departments, among many others."

"Is there any agency I'm allowed to manage?!"

"Here you go."

"What's this?! It looks like a passport."

"It's my annual pass to the national parks. Mr. President, I guess we can trust you with the Park Service."

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