I'm glad you are yourself again... glad I am too!

Submitted by iskra (United States), Jan 14, 2008 at 23:32

Carol, I am very happy that you have gotten away and found your freedom and your voice again. I think you and I must have been involved with identical men! You put it so well, describing how hard it is to break away from a man who says "I love you, I love you so much -- now, just do things my way and you'll keep my great love forever." I am a strong woman, a feminist, and a professional, but when I heard those words I was too weak to tear myself away.

I, too, soon found myself sacrificing more and more, to keep a "love" that became laced with criticism, bullying, and endless demands. My voice became a whisper of appeasement. My sacrifices weren't appreciated; instead they just seemed to teach him that he should and could dominate me in everything, and should blame me if I didn't fulfill his every wish. Our marriage fell apart finally. When he left, I was heartbroken for a moment, then relieved. Only with looking back, could I see how much a prisoner I'd become and how much I'd changed since making him my life. That is the strange thing: how easy it is to lose perspective and drown bit by bit without realizing it.

Sadly, I don't think my ex was a bad man at heart. I think he was ruined by what Islam (culture and religion) teaches men: Expect to make all decisions, expect to get your way in everything; expect obedience from your wife; expect her to cook and clean and make babies and be modest and well-covered and ever-virtuous while you watch her with a suspicious gaze. With such male expectations (spelled out in the Quran), how can a man ever be satisfied with his wife, and how can a woman ever be happy in her marriage?

Best wishes with the new guy. Please go on being true to yourself -- you are a candle in the dark for me!

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