don't give up who you are

Submitted by iskra (United States), Jan 17, 2008 at 17:03

Annie,

I understand! You are not alone, and it's not your fault. It's easy to start losing your grip of reality when you're trapped in a home with someone who forces his own warped version of reality on you.

May I give some advice?

1. DON'T get pregnant. That will make everything ten times harder when you decide to leave (and you will) -- it will keep you trapped with him much longer than you otherwise would stay. And it will make his behavior toward you a hundred times worse.

2. I hate to say it, but my experience says that problems like these don't get better with time... they get worse. He is what he is, and the more he gets you to agree to his rules, the more free he will feel to make more rules. You will come to accept this prison life and forget what freedom felt like. So I would recommend divorce now. Then you can rebuild your life the way you want it. You had a bad year -- don't let it turn into a bad decade.

(I could be wrong -- obviously I've never met the guy -- but he sounds like real trouble. The cycle of controlling behavior, followed by apologies and false promises when you say you're leaving, followed by more controlling behavior, is very well described in studies of domestic abuse.)

3. Since you're isolated where you are, consider moving back to your mom/dad's home or to a friend's place for a while, to regroup and make plans. You'll see things a lot clearer when you're away from him and breathing the fresh air again.

4. Remember: you were single for most of your life. Going back to that life is not going to be hard for you. Good luck!

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