married to a muslim man for 3 years

Submitted by Sofia (Canada), Jan 24, 2008 at 21:58

Just some advice, taken from my experience. I have been married to a muslim man from Turkey for 3 years. . Before our marriage I knew little of the muslim culture and looked upon them with a sympathetic eye. However, over the course of our marriage I have gotten a very intimate look at the cuture and have voluntarily studied Islam and read the kuran.

My husband is not practicing his religion and his opinions diverge substantially from Islamic teachings - thank goodness! He is sweet and respects me most of the time. We have some major problems in our marriage due to the difference in culture. Although he understands that women and men are equal and that I deserve respect, it is very difficult for him to change his behaviour because the culture has been instilled in him. He wants to respect me, but he doesn't know how.

He is improving, although the effort that goes into it on my part is exhausting and I am hopeful that things will turn around as the years go by. Not being anything resembling your typical muslim wife, also adds to the challenge for my husband. I study outside the home - my PhD and will soon make twice the money as him, I have high expectations for equality within the marriage in everything including housework and child rearing, and I value my freedom and independence.

Of course there must be many muslim men, like my husband, who are intelligent enough to transcend their culture and religion and see women and relationships for what they are. But I must warn you about the things I know of MOST muslim men:

Beating your wife is considered normal, especially among the less educated. When my nephew came to Canada from Turkey I told him that beating your wife in Canada was illegal and he was astounded, "your wife?" he said. I have heard the stories from women whom I have befriended, it is heartbreaking. Women are the property of their husbands, they do not make decisions, are not permitted to leave the house without their husbands permission, are unable to work outside the house because are expected to take care of all household responsibilities and are expected to serve men as though they are slaves.

To sit through a visit with muslim friends is very difficult for me. The men speak with eachother, the women serve tea, food etc. Many women are extremely shy and unconfident and do not speak at all, other women engage in conversation. Many times I have witnessed the husband speak or act very derogatory towards his wife in front of everybody. About 85% of the muslim men I know cheat on their wives.

Not surprising given #1 sex is dysfunctionally repressed by their culture and religion #2 they do not value women as full humans and #3 they believe non-muslim women from western countries are whores. I know of men who are taking on second wives, although it is illegal in this country. Also, many of my husband's friends are trying to find Canadian women to marry simply to receive papers.

In fact when I was about to marry my husband, his family warned him: if you are marrying for love do not do it, if you are marrying her just for your papers go ahead. And the most tragic thing I've witnessed: young girls being forced to marry 35, 40 year old men. In Canada these men would go to jail, In muslim countries it is the man's free choice.

I could go on, but i think I message is clear: BE CAREFUL! BE SMART! Although individuals very considerably in their beliefs and behaviours, the stereotype of muslim men didn't fall out of the sky.

And YES this dysfunctional culture IS INDEED a manifestation of ISLAM - if you don't believe me read the kuran.

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