Involved with a Turk

Submitted by Inquisitive and Wondering (United States), Jan 29, 2008 at 17:58

Hello all. First I would like to thank all of you for your discussions here. This is a wealth of information on experiences that others have had regarding this subject... one of which I have many questions. I must also say I will not discredit muslims in general, although they do seem to have their own traits, set apart from our western culture!

Now.. this may be a bit long but I would like the opinions of those who read it, if you are willing. :)

I met a Turkish man in September 2006 online. (For privacy purposes let's call him Man 1) We seemed to hit it off really well. He immediately told me of his business, of which he seemed extremely proud. I chalked this up to trying to flatter me, but honestly his money didn't interest me. Well within a week, he had a car accident.

His cousin (whom I will refer to as Man 2) immediately stepped into the picture, as I had contacted him out of concern for this man I dearly liked. We talked for a very long time, almost daily. Meanwhile, I didn't hear from the man I originally spoke with for 4 months. Supposedly this was a really really bad accident! Man 2 would give me little bits of information on how Man 1 was doing, and when Man 1 finally did come back, he told me he had had major surgery on his leg.

Well, long story short on that part, Man 2 perpetually flirted with me, as if trying to get me to be disloyal to Man 1. My first thought on this was, is that not against your culture and your religion to flirt with the so called girlfriend of your family member?? Or do they share? Anyway.. I blew him off the whole time.

At one point, when I hadn't heard from Man 1 in a while, I began talking to another guy. Well he somehow caught wind of this and grew very angry and jealous, and broke up with me. I haven't heard from him since. Interesting thing was, I wasn't even talking to this other guy in a romantic fashion.. we were friends.

Now comes the climax of the story. For 3 months, Man 2 and I continued our friendship. He still would try to hit on me, and pursuade me to enter a relationship with him. I continually denied his advances, because He would admit he was not loyal. So one day, i humored him. I said are you loyal? And he said, "Are you my girlfriend??" I said, "If you will be loyal, yes I will be your girlfriend". Mind you this is a period of 8 months that he had been making advances towards me and I refuted!

We had made really good friends, man 2 and I. So I figured it was time to possibly give him a chance. However, this whole time I had believed he was a paramedic.....!

A period of difficulty came for me and I was unable to talk to him for about a month, and he seemed rather upset, and actually broke up with me. So another month went by, then he returned. I humored him for a day, then I ignored him for about three months more. One day I accidentally signed in as visible, and he immediately jumped.. and started telling me he missed me, and so forth.

We have been talking regularly, almost daily since then, but here's the thing. He has now told me he loves me.. he has mentioned marrying me if I go to Turkey, and has also asked me if I want more children. He knows I am divorced, and he knows I have two kids. He speaks highly of children and he stated he wants to have a daughter with me.

I have also recently come to learn in the past month, he himself owns a car gallery, a farm, and an apartment complex.... he is gradually filling me in on how much money he actually has.. not by my asking.. I have not once asked him for money, and if I go to Turkey, i will pay for the trip because I am as you say, "Independent". He has mentioned that if I live with him he would prefer me to stay at home with the children... he has made no demands, nor has he insisted on anything. He has never spoken to me in a degrading fashion, and he is always respectful. He has not mentioned having me convert to Islam, and he is very adamant about going to his prayer every friday, he says, "It is very important".

He has introduced me to one of his friends on cam, and he does not hide our relationship. And I have also spoken with him on cam at his home... so I know there is not a woman living with him.

My questions are these:

There have been numerous reports of American women in these exact situations who feel they can trust this man, they learn and grow to love them, even go meet them and have a wonderful experience, only to find that once they marry them, they become slaves, in an ideal sense. Not literally, but to americans, it would be considered slavery. IE: Not being allowed to leave at night without the husband, not being allowed to work..

In my opinion.. if you don't want me to work, I got NO problem with that! Haha..

I guess I just wonder what the odds are of my boyfriend being this type of man, in that he would try to control me if I did marry him, and have his children. We are both 30, he has never been married and has no children. He seems to have spent his life goofing off, because he apparently has the money to do so, but he seems like he is ready to settle down, but why find an American woman? Why not find a nice Turkish girl to settle down with? Would this be because he is concerned they will marry him only for his money? Hence not telling me how much he actually has until he feels secure that I am genuinely interested in him regardless of his social status? He is obviously well off, and through my loyalty to his "cousin", I presume I have more than proven my sincerity.

There is just something here that seems to be missing. I don't feel like there is another woman at all.. and my instincts usually pick up on that kind of thing immediately....

I guess Im just scared that he will end up like all these women's husbands.. he has no reason to use me for money, he has no desire to live in the US. He has all his businesses there in turkey, and he is established, he seems to be genuinely looking to settle down and perhaps he feels he has found the right woman.. but I am rightly worried because of all of these testimonies.

I actively research Islam and his culture so I can know more about him and what he would expect of a wife in me, and also how I should dress as far as when I do go to see him. He has not put any stipulations on me, or how I am, and in fact seems supportive when I tell him of the things I do. He doesn't ask where I've been, who I'm with.. he seems very laid back, very Americanized. Strange considering he has never been here.

Anyway, Id like to hear your comments on this.. has anyone experienced anything similar to this? For those of you who know muslim men, is this typical behavior? I really have not concerns of infidelity with him, even though he refuted loyalty before being with me, but perhaps this was only to protect his own heart. He has a strong side to him, very strong, and "hard", but he has not displayed that towards me. He has let me see it, but he has not been that way towards me.

Thank you all in advance for reading.. I look forward to your responses!

IWaT.

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