To Lisa again

Submitted by Amanda (Germany), Apr 30, 2008 at 13:33

A few more thoughts:

You didn't mention marriage, but the question may arise, so please consider whether you'll have any common interests and views when the magic wears off. It ALWAYS does and that's OK as long as there's a solid foundation underneath. And that has to be built over time.Also, a tour guide may be a respected job in Egypt but it's not exactly a useful skill in the US, so you'd be the one paying the bills.

You wrote "He seems very western and modern" - When I was in his country, I thought my man looked so relaxed, so "western" lounging on a hotel couch there, but the same position looked absolutely uncouth on the subway here. Even his English which sounded good there proved very deficient here when I tried to have more serious talks with him. He was always dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. Sometimes I think that if I'd seen him wearing his national dress just once like some of his friends, I would have realized faster how irreconcilable our world were. Imagine presenting a veiled Tuareg to your friends at home!

Another thing: He doesn't have to be a real scammer. These men can be just as wildly in love with us as we are with them. They're not always in it just for sex or money. They want a little affection and what we would cosider normal fun in the West and that can be hard to find in their countries. But even then, you need common values and interests for the long haul - and that may not be there. Initially my boyfriend was certainly as excited about us as I was before it dawned on him that I could be useful. The whole situation with eastern men is confusing because it can be real and unreal at the same time. We're not used to relationships with hidden agendas.

My suggestions:

- Buy "Intercultural Marriage" by Dugan Romano. It's a fascinating read and a good investment, believe me.

- Keep Yasemin's suggestions in mind. Refusing sex, money, sponsorship is a good test of his intentions.

- Keep reading here (esp. posts from straight-talk-luigi) and don't tell him about it. You're entitled to your private supporters who can tell you more than friends at home who can't possibly understand your relationship i f they haven't been in a similar situation. And let u ls know how things go. I'm sure others are also interested in know ing what happens and it would be nice to think that our posts are help to you.

Final word: I read a great line on the Internet: "You teach people how to treat you." By foolishly offering my boyfriend money for his trip to visit me, I was teaching him that he could get it from me - boy, was I out of my mind! Don't make this mistake.'

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