Some red flags about Doha man.

Submitted by Straight_Talk_Luigi (United States), May 12, 2008 at 16:56

Hi Chon! Thanks for sharing your story!

I realize you addressed this to kelly, but I would also encourage you to look at some criticism of Qatari culture and Islam so you can get the whole scope of things. Viking Woman, yasemin and sara know quite a lot about that.

I've replied to you based on my experiences and investigation of relationship fraud and about intercultural dating.

One month ago I met an Egyptian man who was on vacation here in the states. His brother and sister in law live at the same apartment complex I do. It was love at first sight. I'm not talking just the physical attraction but the connection we have.

Its nice that you meet this man in person, but I actually don't believe in love at first at sight. And a month seems very, very soon to be talking about love. I think that you are infuatied with this man at this point. All relationships like this start out nice, but a month is just too soon to determine whether or not you can stand the test of time.

And, a bid for a quick marriage is definitely a red flag, even if you met in person.

We both felt like we had met before. We instantly connected. He was here for a month and we spent the last 3 weeks of it together. It was magical. He asked me to come to Doha, Qatar to see him. He has been there for a few years now. He is an architect there and was also in the Asian Olympics on 2006 and will be in the 2010 olympics. He has been back in Doha a little over 1 week now. He has been in constant contact with me since his return. Currently he is researching to get me a ticket to come there mid June.

The thing is, nearly every other woman on here felt the same way for the last 6 months.

The plan is for me to come visit for about 25 days. He wants me to stay there permanently with him. should I be able to accept his culture and the way of life there as it is very different from the US. We have had many conversations about our feelings, religion, his thoughts on the treatment and respect of females and marriage. Maybe even more than I can remember at the moment.

It is different. Anytime you date internationally or even interculturally, it will be different. You really don't elaborate on his feelings here, but I must inform you that he may sound nice about this until AFTER you are married. See, that's when things with international relationships get rough and the real him comes out.

It's a big problem here in the USA with Russian women. They act all nice in Russia and on the flight over, but once they get a green card and get married, they learn English, get a driver's liscence and are history, leaving the husband with a broken heart.

Just last night he said that should I decide to stay in Doha with him, that we would get married. I told him the only way I would stay would be if we were planning at some point to get married. He is currently looking for an apt next to his so it appears I have my own place since we cannot legally live together. However, he did tell me that he would be staying with me as the only way for us to know if we can truly cohabitat would be to do it but he would have the other residence in case someone said anything.

Okay, this part right here is a sign that he is NOT being forthright with you. A quick marriage is ALWAYS a bad idea. Even if you were marrying someone of the same race, religion or nationality, I would still discourage this. It doesn't have anything to with Islam or him as a Qatari man.

The fact that he is willing to break the law of the land isn't good either. Should you be caught (and Arabian peninsula nations are strict on this), you would be deported and your man could be put on trial. See how it's different from the West?

I don't mean to lecture you here, but this is a serious matter. I realize that some folks on here will say "yeah, I've TRAVELED to such and such a place," but LIVING there is entirely different. You are bound by the rules and regulations of whatever country you are in, and your embassy will NOT come crusading to your rescue. NO country would risk its international standing and relations with another nation over someone else's personal dispute.

I'll give you example: here in the USA foreigners have come and committed crimes like rape, murder, ect. and have been given the death penalty for it.

I trust this man with my life.

Really? You trust a man you've known for a month with your life?

My friends and his brother and sister n law who have seen us together say we glow and have something very special.

I'll bet. I dated a woman once who was just a mean jerk in whenever we were alone, but nice in public. No one really acts up in public. Only you can see him for what he may truly be or what he really wants.

He said he does not believe in marriage or more than one woman and that his parents and grandparents have always been together and he wants that with me. He has not tried to sugarcoat anything.

Chon, a lot of men on here have done the same thing. Just ask Viking Woman.

He has told me it's very different there, that people's views are different and that I must see it for myself to decide if I can deal with it. He also told me that we would do everything together and that I would not be left at home alone. And, I would make my own friends

It is different, because women such as yourself are not seen as equals. Just because this man is hospitable to you in the West doesn't mean his attitude will remain consistent. Dr. Pipes doesn't lie when he wrote on the top above the comments section that the family hound you to convert to Islam the second you get off the plane and to wear a burka.

This whole thing about "you have to see it for yourself" concerns me. It almost sounds like he's pushing the marriage to give you less time to find out what the facts really are about his religion and culture, which will take time. I realize you haven't elaborated on it, but don't think that just because he's in the olympics that's he not a traditional Muslim.

I feel he has been completely honest with me about everything. I haven't felt like there have been any red flags or deception.

That's really the whole point for a liar or for someone who just isn't being up front with you. And you are infatuated with this man, so you really need to rise above these feelings and look at this objectively in order to decide.

He is very popular there and has made many commercials and been in the media due to the team he is on and the Olympics.

So what? That doesn't mean anything, Chon! A lot of times, these men will put forth an effort to conceal who they really are and what they really think.

Therefore, I don't feel like he would be bringing me there unless he truly wants me with him.

I'm sure he does want you there, just maybe not in the way you are thinking of.

He has told me over and over he will NOT lie to me and I'm a very important part of his life and wants me with him.

Listen, I've heard these pledges "i'll never lie to you and i'll treat you right" before too. Many times. You may have seen Nigerian lotto scams get busted in the news, and how the scammers sweat profusely and run at the soonest chance. Not so with lying men in this dating realm. They are calm, cool, collect and are more than happy to talk about how important loyalty and honesty are.

He has NOT said that he loves me. He says it's hard for him to express that but that his actions should tell me.

Wow, does that line really work on women? Actions, huh? Yeah, like a quick marriage and a "you must see it for yourself" kind of deal.

So let me get this straight, he's never said I LOVE YOU, and it would be too soon for that, YET, he wants to marry you, which ALSO is too soon.

Does this really add up, Chon? It just doesn't to me. I mean, he's not really comfortable saying I LOVE YOU, CHON, but what the heck? Let's get married anyway?

It's nice that you asked Kelly, but remember, she talks about working for tourism and living an heavy tourism area in Egypt where people are nice because, quite frankly, they have to be for the service economy. And Egypt is more lenient that the Arabian peninsula.

Again, I highly recommend reading about Viking Woman and her experience and looking into the criticism of Qatari culture and Islam. You really need both sides of the story.

---

Note: Opinions expressed in comments are those of the authors alone and not necessarily those of Daniel Pipes. Original writing only, please. Comments are screened and in some cases edited before posting. Reasoned disagreement is welcome but not comments that are scurrilous, off-topic, commercial, disparaging religions, or otherwise inappropriate. For complete regulations, see the "Guidelines for Reader Comments".