Concerns about this

Submitted by Straight_Talk_Luigi (United States), May 25, 2008 at 22:30

Thanks for sharing your story!

Well, obviously he wouldn't need to scam you for a greencard, and you're not convinced that the slight age difference is a problem.

So, what else could be in for? Money?

Maybe.

I'm not sure which other blogs you have visited, but this is the best one I have seen, because everyone on here is adult with relationship experience. Some of the other ones may just have teenagers giving advice or people telling you to follow your heart and not your head, so I'm glad you've found this site.

Something that never gets mentioned about these international relationships (I realize he is a US citizen) are the intercultural differences.

Some would say opposites attract, and they do, but most studies (including the USA census) show overwhelmingly people marry in their own religion/race. Just because segregation is now illegal, doesn't mean that interracial marriages are by far and away the majority. I just think it's important for everyone to realize that, because research shows that successful marriages, not differences.

Attraction is not the same as real love.

There are three red flags that I see here.

1) Quick marriage. You are right. Six months? Wayyyy to soon. I mean, come on? Have you two talked about religion at all? Or where you would live? And what religion you would raise the kids? If he is Muslim, he may just expect you to follow suit.

The other thing about doing things soon and quick, it's a sales trick. Put it simply, spantaneous people are more likely to buy something, or into something. Ever notice how something on sale at the supermarket may be more expensive at the check-out line? Because your mentality is "it's now or never!" Since you know, no one would DARE to go back in the store right after buying something! That would look weird!

The same is true with scammers----or even liars. Let's face it: men lie, they know it, and they'll do it if they think they won't get caught.

But cute analogies aside, ANYTIME you are pressured into a marriage, there are alterior motives, unless the guy is really, really insecure, but you seem too smart to date a guy like that.

2) The big whopper is the thing with his brother. He may never get to come here because immigration restrictions are immense, and it's good that you didn't help him because that's big trouble if you are caught.

The thing is, Amy, this is NOT an ordinary request. If I asked a woman I was dating to marry my brother so he could come here, she'd probably never speak to me again, get a restraining order, and tell all her girlfriends to stay away from me, and she'd be right to do so.

Really ask yourself this: Would you tolerate this from a Western man? Let's say I was the person you were dating, and I asked you to marry my brother to get him here. What would you do? Are you holding him to different standard because he's a sweet and innocent-looking Moroccan? It's dangerous to let serious mistakes and red flags like this slide. When I was dating an American, I did this, and I was lucky I got out when i did.

I know you probably find that disgusting, but the point I am trying to illustrate is that women in these intercultural, international relationships get into trouble partly because they shut off that BS-detecting female intuition. They get so enamaroued in the charm also.

The other part is that many of the relationships are on-line, and the guy is very secrective, meaning that to the woman, he's a mystery man, and women love to investigate the "he loves me, he loves me not" type of thing.

Yet, I would say the number one reason for it is that Western women assume because he comes from a third-world culture he's all for family and marriage. Well, that is true, but again, like the studies and censuses say, it's with women of his own culture. Many Muslim men regard Western women (and there have been African Americans, Natives, and Whites and Latino women who have posted on here) as inferior sex toys.

3) The real problems start after marriage

Dr. Pipes makes this very clear in the part he wrote, but several other women on here describe experiences with having a man be nice to you and then once you are married (ie legally bound to each other) it's like the switches that made Frankenstein come along are flipped.

Suddenly, you are the housewife who cooks, cleans, does laundry, never denies sex, ect. And if you aren't Muslim? His family will even help pressure you to convert.

It isn't even a Muslim-exclusive thing. Several Western men fall for the scam you talk about with Russian women. They go over the former USSR, spend 50 grand, get her over here, and what happens? She learns English, gets a liscence, and poof! She's gone. I would say that happens even more often that Muslim man scams.

Listen, I've personally investigated dating scams, and I was scammed by a full-blooded American woman myself. I've read interviews in Scandinivian newspapers, where there is a growing rape epidemic. 2/3 of the rapsits are from different countries, and it's so bad in Oslo that clinics are having trouble keeping up. In one interview, a man by the name of Hamid said that even though he was a devout Muslim, it was okay to rape Swedish women, because they have already had sex. Thus, they are no longer virgins and lived out their usefullness. When asked if he would get married to one, he laughed, and said that when he would marry (ie done screwing Swedish women) he would marry someone from his culture.

Now, I'm not saying your man is a rapists or sex freak by any means, but if you are going to know your man, you need to know his culture, the good and the bad and the ugly. I can promise you that many women don't like this and resist this, but as I said earlier, going into a marriage with a lack of knowledge is where trouble starts.

Seriously, Amy, really think about this. I know this is probably not what you wanted to hear, and I realize that it's not the easiest thing in the world for a woman to share very personal details of her life on-line, but really consider the second point I made. Your man doesn't have to be groveling over a visa to be a liar.

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