Views on friendship

Submitted by Straight_Talk_Luigi (United States), Jun 1, 2008 at 18:42

Hi Broken Heart! That was an excellent response.

The thing about being just friends with someone after you have been romantically or intimately involved with is something that I would caution with anyone from any country. In on-line or distance relationships, this is often just a cover story for deeper romantic feelings. Why? A long-distance to friendship to many people just isn't worth the investment.

I don't think you are over Hamid yet, and the way you describe him is more than that of a friend. This is entirely understandable given your previous relationship with him, and the thing is, broken heart, it wasn't that long ago, so your heart will need time to mend.

It kind of sounds like you would be putting yourself in a precarious situation to see him. Is it because you are hoping something romantic will happen again?

Let's face reality: How many decent people feel the need to another country or use the internet just to make friends?

This is especially true if you are looking for another relationship. As a guy, I am suspicious of women who feel the need to be in contact with many of their ex's. Not being able to let go is extremely unattractive to both sexes, and if you do find another man to date, it may add tension to the relationship. I know I would have a serious issue if I dated a girl who would take an extra day to see a man in another country.

The woman I had told you about in the previous posts, the one I dated and kept in touch with over myspace, absolutely HAD to be friends with all of her ex boyfriends and girlfriend (she was bi).

This was trouble because these people would call or come to her house at 3 in the morning, and then she would feel all sad and then call me because she was sad. She rationalized this behavior by saying "Luigi, I'm just trying to a good friend, and friends come first."

She thought she was being generous as heck by talking to them, listenting to them and taking away their nasty sexual urges through cybersex and phonesex.

What a hero. Cheat on your boyfriend to make yourself feel good.

It actually got to a point where I asked her: Are you going to do this when you are married? You know, have all your old boyfriends call you in the middle of the night?

I can understand how you feel connected to Hamid. I'm sure that he is nice and charming. I'm sorry to hear about the British man, but I'll be the first and last to say that many of these problems are in part caused by selfish, Western men who think they can party their whole lives until age 98, and by gosh, if you dare critcize them for it, you're taking away their freedoms and what they do is their business and doesn't affect anyone, when in reality, if they had acted decent and normal, you may not need to have to look for love across a continent and a sea.

It's really any wonder some women look for men in other countries.

Broken Heart, you seem like a really generous person, but you MUST understand that if you give gifts or money to someone else, even friends without proper occasion, they won't respect you. I did this to my woman, even when we were friends, and that's a big reason why she didn't respect me. You should NEVER spend money to get someone to be friend. It really means that the friendship isn't genuine.

Also, if you are going to try and find a decent man to date and he finds out you give things to another man, he's gone. To be perfectly honest, I would be too. With the experience I had, I'm not even going to give a second chance to anyone who tries that.

I think that would be sad if that were to happen to you, because it's obvious that you care about how others feel.

If a man you date doesn't care if you give to another man or not, well, then, he just might care that much for you either.

I have seen gifts and borrowing of money ruin friendships, relationships, and family relations. One my aunts borrowed money from my great grandma several years ago. The money was supposed to be used for staple supplies. She never paid her back, and just before my great-grandma passed on, she docked what my aunt owed from the inhertiance. So everyone on my grandma's side got screwed over.

These types of things happen when you just give.

Personally, I wouldn't even borrow money to people in my family. Why? Because I know I'd never see it again. I'm even wary about giving to charity, and won't do it until I know their operation scheme.

No one can stop you from giving, broken heart. But if you give to your friends or to this Hamid, don't expect to see it again or in Hamid's case, even if you do give, he may not react in the way you intended.

A way to actually test to see if people are really your friends: Stop giving them money, things altogether. I did this to my woman, and she stopped talking to me.

It's one thing if you are politely picking up the tab at dinner, but it's another if you are giving people expensive electronics.

Certainly there is a difference in economics between the UK and the Mahgreb, but the folks over there who speak English as a second language and have internet access aren't hurting as bad as some of the poor, that's for sure.

Seeing a therapist can be a good thing, but in my experience there are two kinds: Ones who want to help you be a better person, and ones who will tell you what you to hear.

A friend of my mothers who has several kids had her husband suddenly die about 8 years ago. Shortly after, she had met a man on-line who lived several states away (about the distance from London to Milan, rough guess), and he wanted her to move in with him. The therapist said yeah, go ahead, you should do that. So, she did and brought her two youngest.

About 2 years later, we saw her in the grocery store. She said she had moved back because her internet man "wasn't a fan of children."

The other point you made about hospitality. Well, it's important to realize that in many places around the world, locals and tour guides are paid extra to be nice to Westerners. They may even bend the rules in some cases (getting hotel room while unmarried) if it'll help business. You wouldn't think it, but culture and even Islam do come in second to economics.

Your friend in Egypt is right. Cultural differences simply cannot be overlooked. They say opposites attract. Well, attraction and the love that equals successful matrimony are two entirely different ideas.
Couples who are more similar are more likely to have a healthy marriage. Dating guru Marius Panzerella writes this in Dating Secrets Revealed and the censuses of every country show it.

I realize this may not be what you want to hear, and you've been very forthcoming and humble in your posts.

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