No one is judging anyone, Margaret

Submitted by Straight_Talk_Luigi (United States), Jun 16, 2008 at 14:12

If I had an euro everytime someone mentioned the word "judging" in a discussion about culture....

I have yet to see one post from anyone where I see someone judging someone else. Criticizing someone else's religion or culture (which are sets of ideas) is not being judgemental.

This isn't a courtroom, Margaret :)

So far, so good for you, huh? It'll be interesting to see if your relationship stands the test of time, because most of the time, trouble starts after a marriage, and it doesn't quite materialize right after the vows. Sometimes, it takes months, or even years for the problems to emerge. This is why couples with similarities last longer than couples with differences. It's not always as dramatic as Dr. Pipes writes about how you are hasselld to convert to Islam and wear hijab the minute you enter the Saudi airport.

You've indicated that all relationships are different. That's true, but only in meaningless technicalities. Anytime a woman or man or couple seeks advice in the arena of mental health or relationships, those giving the advice, like me, are going to seek out certain behavioral patterns. The exact uniqueness of the experience really isn't relevant, and should never be an excuse to do something because it's easy or feels right.

The patterns of on-line scammers and male liars are all pretty much the same, just as all humans look different, but if you prick us, we'll all bleed red.

Margaret, the idea that relationships have differences is NOT reason enough to go with your feelings. That's like saying "if it feels good, do it."

This is the same philosophy that is plaguing Western society today with all kinds of social problems.

And, it's what scammers and liars want you to do, because emotions are irrational.

In persuasive communication, there are three main categories used by everyone from car salesmen, real estate agents, men who want you, scammers and liars:

1) ethos

2) pathos

3) logos

Your assessment that Lilly should trust her feelings are based on ethos, the emotional argument.

How does this work?

Well, you're telling her to follow her heart, not her head (which would be logos, or logical factual reasoning, the same reasoning that I use.)

In 1987 a "love triangle", if you will, was developed in the psychological sciences.

In order to have a successful relationship, you need commitment, intimacy and passion, the three sides to this triangle.

So, this begs the question: what is Lilly feeling? Does she feel intimate, committed and passionate towards this man? All that over MSN and even though she still has a boyfriend?

Side note----most people who have most of their relationship on-line have another partner, or the person they are "seeing" has another partner. Maybe even more. The myspace woman I dated, was in a relationship with another woman off and on for the duration that we were, "together and dating" and she also had several cybersex partners.

Or maybe it's a feeling besides love, like attraction, maybe something as simple as lust.

See, Margaret, these are the kinds of things that a Quick Marriage prevents a person from considering, and that's why men (or women, in my case) with dark intentions will push this. Spontaneous people are always more likely to be convinced of something than someone who has time to consider. That's why salespeople can sometimes be pushy, and it's also why all the tabloids, candy and beef sticks are at the check-out counter.

Quick marriage also eliminates the chance a woman has to "date" a man. Whenever I go on a date with a woman, I realize that she's looking for reasons NOT to be with me, because she's already with me. If you rush to marry someone, you're taking a big gamble.

I would encourage you to read some of my other postings where I reference Russian, Latino and Nigerian women. It's not just Moroccan men who play this game.

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