For JR

Submitted by Straight_Talk_Luigi (United States), Jul 3, 2008 at 17:14

Thanks for sharing your story! I'm going to respond as efficiently as I can, and I'll include some of what you said to make it easier to read.

He initially began talking about marriage after a month, and it kind of creeped me out at first. I'm not so naive to think that a man just really likes me THAT much! At any rate, things were fine for about 6 months. We filed his paperwork for his green card, although he told me that it was already being processed through his employer, so he wasn't trying to get a green card. Who knows if that was true or not?

There is no way to be 100% sure until it happens. I cannot emphasize this enough: it's not until after a marriage in many cases that thinks go downhill. Sometimes, it happens before if the person you are seeing thinks they have you in an emotional bind.

Most of the time with Muslim men in general, it's not as dramatic as what Dr. Pipes wrote about, and that's why we see so many posts about Moroccans and Egyptian men, because unlike the Arabian peninsula or Iran, sharia isn't enforced. It is what the governments are based on, but they don't have the policing infrastructure that Saudi Arabia has.

This does reflect considerably on the culture, and why I think so many women on here seek out Berber men, because it's easier than dating an Iranian or Saudi. I suppose there are exceptions, but I would argue that most people do on-line dating because it's easy, and that's a whole topic in of itself.

At the time we were dating, I had a dog. He would pet the dog and talk to it and stuff, and then all of a sudden, he declared that he didn't like dogs and that they were unclean and he couldn't pray in the house. He has even, on several occasions, asked me to get rid of the dog. We still get along, for the most part, but about 6 months ago, I was asking him what his family thinks about us not having kids, and then the truth came out.You see, initially, before we were married, we talked about how the kids could go to church, but that they would learn both religions. We talked about waiting for 4 years before starting a family. Six months ago, he tells me that the kids have to be Muslim. He completely went back on what he said, and doesn't see that there's anything wrong with it.

Of course he doesn't! Islam is everything to him, and spreading it comes even before being honest to YOU! That's one reason why they marry outside the culture: so Islam can rule the world by overpopulating it.

What a vision.

That's how I see it, JR., and speaking as a guy, I would bet real money in Vegas he had this in the back of his head all along.

So, I wonder, what other surprises does he have that you don't about?

Seems to me, the more I know, the more I see that Islam allows the men to lie, as long as it benefits Islam in the long run. I was so angry at the time and hurt because it was like seeing a new person altogether. This wasn't the man that I thought I knew. I told him that I was ready to file for divorce. When he realized I was serious, he cried and his first comment, I kid you not, was that he would have to go back to his country because he wouldn't get his green card. Coincidence? Who knows? And recently, he has been deceptive about where his money is going. He still, after 4 years, sends around $400 per month to his family back home.

That's really the thing about religious men. Sometimes, they aren't up front about how they REALLY feel about a situation or their outlook on life, and it's just so they don't lose you more so than just being polite, if you follow me.

The problem with phone, on-line or distance relationship is that it makes it harder to detect deceit. There's ways of doing by looking the eyes, and so everything that's said to you that isn't in person is often taken at face value, because it's just rude to question someone's honesty without good evidence.

That's what folks dating on-line really must understand.

With my Muslim, we could continue to go on the way we are. He is not abusive, but he's not overly nice these days either. But to continue this relationship, I would have to eventually give up my dogs, give up my desire to have children, as he won't even discuss it now, and pretty much give up everything that IS ME. In closing, I want to say from experience, that my husband did say the wonderful things that I wanted to hear in the beginning, but now I'm left with a roommate. Not a spouse, not a lover, not a friend, but a roommate.

That's an excellent analogy. A roommate. All this sacrificing, this is, in my view, just the tip of the iceberg. If he wasn't sure about your emotional investment into this, he may have very well hidden his real intentions even more. That could still the be case.

Look, JR, I'm not a Muslim, but I am a religious person by today's standards. I screw up a lot, but I still go to Church every week. This is something that I used to keep to myself when dating other women, and I didn't want to scare them off by telling my life story. During the first few dates, religion shouldn't even be brought up between people who have just met, but if you're talking about marriage, then it's essential.

I would never allow my kids to brought up in another religion.

This is why it's so important to talk about religion which you did, JR, so I think you did what you needed to do, but sometimes women don't even do that because they are too scared to offend the guy, YET, they will marry him. So, they marry someone they are afraid to have deep discussions with?!?!

Doesn't make sense, does it?

It's because a lot of these are based on lust and the excitement of dating someone from a different culture, but these things will fade over time, especially for men.

So, on the religion thing, you discussed it, but he just plain lied.

Like I said, I could continue on this way and live a comfortable life, but will I be happy? I doubt it. I would have to sacrifice everything that I love in order to make my marriage work, and I just don't know if I have it in me.

Here's the thing: He has you right where he wants you. He lied to you until you fell for him, because he knew you would be more willing to make those sacrifices. For your marriage, and for him.

Look, he's going to con you out of everything you like doing if you marry him, believe me, the biggest mistake made with international relationships is thinking marriage is the finish line. As if you say "I DO" it's all in the books.

The same thing happens with American men and Russian women. The women wait until they are over here, and then they learn English, get a car and are gone.

I dated an American woman once mostly over myspace that was just like this. Oh, sure, Luigi, I'll convert, we can raise the kids any religion you want. This was coming from an agnostic who cheated and lied to me.

Do you REALLY think she would take the kids to mass with me every week?

No way.

And then, I found out she wanted kids BEFORE marriage! Why? Because she felt like they would be the only ones to love her unconditionally.

---

Note: Opinions expressed in comments are those of the authors alone and not necessarily those of Daniel Pipes. Original writing only, please. Comments are screened and in some cases edited before posting. Reasoned disagreement is welcome but not comments that are scurrilous, off-topic, commercial, disparaging religions, or otherwise inappropriate. For complete regulations, see the "Guidelines for Reader Comments".