To topaz re: marriage, muslim faith and turkish culture

Submitted by yasemin (Canada), Jul 8, 2008 at 17:04

Topaz, here are some details of the way of thinking of the more traditional muslims in Turkey. I am using my husband's thinking as an example of this mindset. My husband is from a very fundamentalist family ( his mother didn't wear the full garb when i met her so i didn't know until much later ). These are the things i didn't know until i was there. He never told me his expectations or went into detail about what is expected so it would be wise if you ask your friend about all this.

Your fellow may be from a more liberal family - this is key to knowing him. I'm referring to what my husband expected even in the modern city of Istanbul. Expectations of women: A muslim woman seen looking out her window there is considered a prostitute, an available woman. When walking along the street, you MUST NOT look directly at a man - it's a signal that you are available for sex. Don't keep contact with male friends, don't chat with the grocer etc for any longer than necessary to be polite, don't wear revealing clothing or a lot of makeup. It's your job to cook and clean in a traditional home. Don't bring up any controversial subjects such as politics or the merits of other religions. Avoid criticisms of your husband. This is the stuff he won't tell you - it's too engrained and so it's not something he'll remember to mention.

Dating and long engagements are avoided in this religion and this is one reason for rushing the marriage. Marriage is for procreation, not love and romance. They want to seal the deal quickly, and if you are money or a visa, they'll rush things even more. Here it's important to ask what is the family's financial situation and your fellow's career prospects.

If the family is poor and this man has poor prospects then you are likely a source of income for the whole family. If you go to meet the family, does your fellow seem to hide you from the neighbors' prying eyes ? The fact that you are not turkish will be a source of shame for traditional families. They will do their utmost to keep anyone learning about your existence as honor is the highest value there. Dishonor is death. Do you visit the home only after dark ? Do they hide you in a back room if a relative suddenly visits ?

Ask a million questions - what does he think about western women and other races ? Lead him into giving a true answer - you'll need to be sly. Ask his opinion at a time when he's in a bad mood and you'll see his true thinking...maybe. My husband hid all his thinking until he wanted the divorce. If he says you don't trust him and cries like a wounded child, it's an act. Be so careful, Topaz.

Another website you might look at is mymerhaba if you want to talk to women married to Turks.

Above all else, do not spend one dime on him. The turkish husband is expected to be the breadwinner and is not supposed to ask the woman for money.

There is a saying: If you find a good turkish man, you have won the lottery, but these men are rare. If you make a mistake in choosing, your life can be destroyed. I pray for you.

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