To Farrah

Submitted by Jr (United States), Jul 10, 2008 at 14:34

Hello, my new friend. I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this. I wish that I knew what advice to give you.

Just from reading what you've written, these things seem like more than coincidences. It seems planned from the beginning. I can't tell you whether or not you should leave or not, but if I were personally in the situation you are describing, I would not stay.

I'm a little more vocal in my relationship with dh, you could almost say that I wear the pants in the family. For sure, my husband tries to wear the pants, but they don't fit him . . .lol! If he were to take money from our joint account (which we have very little money in to begin with), he'd for sure get an earful unless he explained exactly where that money went. Because I contribute to the household, I make sure he knows that I have a say in what our money goes to.

As someone else said, you do deserve better. Do you have separate accounts? If not, I would get one ASAP. The inheritance money, unless it is designated to both of you, is yours to do with as you would like. Just because he's your husband doesn't mean he's entitled to all your money. Do you contribute as well? According to Islam, unless I'm mistaken, the wife is not even required to contribute to the household unless she chooses. It's pretty much "What's yours is mine, and what's mine is mine.". As a Muslim man, he should be providing for all household expenses, according to what Islam teaches.

There are a lot of things that their Quran teaches them that they "conveniently" forget when it comes to their non-Muslim spouses.

I'm glad to hear that you are maintaining your own faith, and not catering to him. Too many women give up their beliefs for a man. I could never fully understand that. Is any man worth that? I don't think so.

I can completely understand about your husband not taking you out. My husband does it, but begrudgingly. Your husband doesn't appear, from what you've said, to even treat you like a wife. Relationships have to be built on trust, and in such a short time, he seems to have done several things that would not be normal for a healthy relationship. If my husband asked me if he could stay living with another female while we were married, regardless of her age or the reason, I would put a stop to my relationship immediately. How could he possibly think that that would be okay?

I think you should report those things to INS, before he gets his green card, especially the part about him not living with you until after you'd been married 6 months. What's up with that? My husband and I were married 8 months before we had our INS appointment, and even then, we were paranoid that we'd forget something about each other and he wouldn't get his green card. I can't imagine how uncomfortable it would have been if we hadn't been living together all that time.

Like I said earlier, I can't tell you what to do, but keep your eyes open. From the beginning of our marriage, I've always kept my eyes open, so as not to be surprised when it all comes crumbling down. I always question his motives (although not always verbally to him), and that may not be the best way to have a healthy relationship, but it's what I have to do to keep myself from getting too hurt and to prepare for the worst.

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