hisham....I feel for you...

Submitted by jasmin (Australia), Jul 18, 2008 at 22:08

dear hisham...

reading your post made me want to add my own. I still feel incredible guilt and remorse and the sense of loss for a love I had for an Egyptian guy who I met online and fell in love with. At this point I want to add that I am an attractive, educated, intelligent single (ish!) mother of 1 child living in a de facto relationship with my partner (this r'ship has not been great for a few years now but we are together for our daughters sake).

After months of constant msn usuage and international phone calls, I went to visit him in Cairo ( by my own volition) and when we saw each other for the first time when he picked me up from the airport, I loved him even more. Everything about this guy was perfect for me, he was educated, intelligent, funny and had a good career.He took a week off work to be with me,and that week I spent with him was so sweet and I had such an exciting time, he made me feel like a queen and truly loved. I have a lot of experience with men and I could tell this was a real love that was blossoming between us... and still is because I still love him. He bought up the issue of marriage straight away, I was a bit freaked out but realized this was the only way we could be together... but so many confusions running through my head... for a start I am 12 years older than him, christian, have a child already to a man I dont love but stay together for the sake of our child... its complicated.

He knew and understood all this but still wanted to marry me. I thought I could do it, I wanted him to be in my life, I was miserable without him.. we loved each others company so much and I could see how much he was suffering when I returned back.

To cut a long a heart wrenching story short.. this is a story of un requited love.

I never did marry him, or file those intended spouse visa applications that we had worked so hard on. I guess I chickened out, realising or worried how much this could jeopardise the life of my daughter and her dad. I suppose this is the biggest problem.. I am still clinging to this dysfunctional r'ship with my partner, ex, daughters father!... arghhhh I dont even know what to call him!

We are sticking it out for her sake... but I miss my love so much. It even hurts to hear his voice on the phone, I feel like I built his hopes up, only to chicken out at the last minute.

the saddest thing is, I will never know if it would have been a beautiful happy marriage, It felt like it was heading that way.

I know I have broken his heart and I cant talk to him because I dont want to cause any more pain, but I think of him nearly every day. This happened 1.5 years ago.

So Hisham, this is a story from the other side... I deeply regret the pain and suffering I caused my Egyptian man.... and myself for that matter. But I dont regret going to meet him.

Have you heard the saying...

"Better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all"

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