A big disappointment

Submitted by broken heart (United Kingdom), Aug 11, 2008 at 14:34

Hisham,

Thank you for your comments. I am disappointed to say that I think I misjudged Hamid. He asks for the money and insists it be viewed as an aid, not a loan. Therefore I should only expect to be repaid in the knowledge that I helped him and he has a chance to improve his life.

I mentioned starting a small business, gave him the website for DHL to apply for a job, suggested different small business opportunities. His response was that I am 33 and I want to have a family but cannot until I can provide for them and I do not have the time for a small business to grow I need to make a big difference now.

My disappointment was greater as I was with him this weekend. He was warm on Friday, the day I arrived, but that same night - his mother fell (sound familiar?). So my trip was to be cut short. As we were in a small town in the high Atlas I suggested we leave for Marrakech on Saturday and I would spend the weekend alone and go home. He said no we will leave on Sunday.

I assume this is because I pay a daily rate when I visit...... However he was making plans to leave me for 5 - 6 hours on Saturday as he went to his village to fetch his father. He apologized for ruining my vacation (which shocked me as he never shows this empathy). On Saturday he decided that no need to fetch his father, and that we would leave on Sunday. Saturday at 1830 he decided we would go to Ouarzazate where he would visit with friends and I would be on my own, but he expected to be there until 2130 I said no but agreed to go if we left at 2000 to which he finally succumbed. I was not keen to be in a small closed town on my own when I had travelled just to be with him. Sunday his mother was hospitalized.... It is all odd as she was diagnosed with diabetes in March, and since May when she was able to go for long walks she has developed cataracts to the point she can barely see.

I have a new blackberry and brought him my old one to keep. Obviously the new one is much nicer. He loved it and said he would love for people to see him with it as it would give them the impression he was doing well. I know this is shallow, but it is human nature, and his desperate need for stature made me sad and vulnerable.

He begged for the new one asking me to "lose it"and claim it from work. Begging is a kind word as he went on a full launch criticizing my adulation of money which is why I will never find a man. I have issues with someone who tries to convince you to steal. I told him I would give him a reply in marrakech. When we arrived in marrakech I offered to buy him one and he said no and the topic was dead, I was someone who always said no and would lose my blackberry in reality as a penalty for not gving it to him.

I caught him in many lies this trip and saw so many of his actions as predicted in the entries on this blog. I also found that he took pleasure in saying no to small requests from me (watch the sunset from a terrace, or take the car down the road to see the stars at night). I think he takes pleasure in denying me things as he may feel that I can get anything I want except what I need from him.

What confuses me is how he can lie so much, deny me little pleasures but still want to have sex with me. I am 17 years older than him and I would think that he would be unable to do so unless there was some attraction. He often reminds me of how many beautiful women there are in Morocco implying that I am not the most attractive to him. I think he is handsome and charming and do not understand how he can have such a strong sexual need when I arrive as he should be able to find women locally to keep him satiated.

After this trip I have concluded that I have him all wrong. He doesn't date women, he takes them hostage, and I was his latest victim. I will summon all my strength to not call him and go to see him again. I don't know why all I focus on is the good parts of our visits when they are so small, pathetic I know. I will focus on the negatives and I know I can make it.

The sad truth is that he is a prostitute and too lazy to make a real effort for a job with dignity. He talks a good game of trying though, which again is what always caught me - IN THE PAST. I am sad that he has chosen this life as he could be so much more. One lesson i have learned is that you cannot change people with such a totally different educational and cultural background, we just never see things the same way.

I will continue to read and write in this blog as I need the strenght, so PLEASE give me some.

Thank you as always for all of the comments you write I read them with hunger and always get a good feeling afterwards.

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