Dear Annie, I know EXACTLY what is going here, I am 26 myself and religious--please read

Submitted by Straight_Talk_Luigi (United States), Aug 12, 2008 at 01:27

Hi Annie:

Thank you for sharing your story! I know it's probably never the easiest thing in the world for a lady to come on here and share a story like this with us.

First of all, I want you to know that I went through almost the same exact thing. A few years ago, I dated an American agnostic-socialist woman. She was very sincere with me at first, and I made the mistake of falling for her and buying her lavish gifts. The ENTIRE time, Annie, she was cheating on me. Literally having cybersex with other men almost one a week and using the car I was paying for to met up with a guy and have sex, eventually.

It was the absolute last thing I expected simply because I never realized a person could be so selfish.

I finally came to realize, after a conversation with my parents and hers, that she really didn't love me and was just using me.

I don't know if gifts play a role here, and you seem like a geniune person and probably realize these when you were dating, but here are the major red flags:

1) The age difference. There is a growing trend in the West and North Africa of younger men dating older women, and by dating I really mean sexual flings. To sound very brash and stereotypical, you have older women from Europe who go on sex vacations to North Africa to be with younger men. The reality is they prefer a tanned, thin, fit man from that area as opposed to a ruddy, balding, wrinkled peer.

In other words, it's all about appearance. And I'm sure I don't have to say that appearance is never a good basis for a relationship.

--------------Sorry if that sounds harsh, folks, but someone posted an article saying pretty the same thing a month or two ago on here------------------------

2) The quick marriage. Relationships aren't like they were in the old days, I'm afraid. The reason why scammers and liars alike rush you into something is because spontaneous people by into things. It's really the same reason why the more expensive candy and tabloids are at the check-out counter. I mean, if a person got to page through the tabloids in the magazine rack aisle, they probably wouldn't sell as well.

Four months is just waaayyy to soon to really get to know a person. I'm not one to judge love, but in this day and age with the high divorce rate, it's important to really get to know the person. It's one reason why in my Church, there is a six month prep period.

3) The inconsistencies. Only liars and people who are very insecure tell inconsistent stories. They usually have something to hide.

So, we finally get to the question: What IS going on?????

Well, it's really very simple: Your man waited until you were both married (including tied into a legal agreement by the state) to reveal his true colors. This happens frequently with international marriages. One such example is American men and Russian woman. She acts all nice until she gets over here, but once she does, she learns English, gets a driver's license and is gone. There's at least one case I can think of that ended up like that.

If you haven't already read what Dr. Pipes wrote above the comments section, it's very, very true, and it isn't an Islam-only thing.

See, If I had stayed with my woman, the exact same thing would've happened to me.

It sounds to me like he is just using you, maybe for a visa. Either way, he doesn't respect you, Annie. I would even go so far as to say he doesn't love you. Listen, when you REALLY love someone, looking for attention on the internet shouldn't be happening or even an issue. And the fact that he hit you? That's physical abuse.

The monitoring of calls? Here's a question: Would you tolerate this from a Western man? Probably not. It would probably seem like he was VERY insecure to you, right?

If you read through the posts on here, you'll notice that individuals who are secure in their relationship aren't on here, and it's because they don't need to be on here. I do give credit to those who take the time to discern a long-distance and/or inter-cultural relationship. They are farther along than I was when dating the woman I told you about.

I also told her very personal things that were later thrown in my face, if only to defend her friends on myspace who lived in another country or over 800 miles away.

Annie, look, I'm no fan of divorce, but nothing good is going to come out of this, I promise you. You just married too soon and didn't realize who he really was. I understand that you thought he was educated and mature and I can see why and I even understand your attraction to him. The same was true with my woman. She was going to an elite private school when I met her.

Annie, the REAL man you married has shown himself. He isn't going to change. People like this rarely do, and the ones that do end up going too far with the abuse and need a life in jail to understand.

Please, Annie, leave this man! I was lucky enough to leave my woman before we got married. It's not too late for you to leave him or to find love. You deserve better than this, Annie.

Crazy or immature? Can't a guy be both? He sounds like an angry Islamist. If he doesn't like it here, he can leave. I'll even help him pack!

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