Help me see situation clear

Submitted by Polly (Cyprus), Aug 13, 2008 at 15:27

I studied in the United States where i was dating my ex for 3 years who at the end broke up with me in the worse way. He was the first and last guy i made love with, lived together, and spent a close relationship like a married couple. After breaking up, my Muslim neighboor and i (Christian) became best friends spending 24/7 together, having fun and talking about everything for 1 year. He was the one next to me, talking to me through the breakup and helping me to heal my heart. During this period of being friends we both saw that there was a lot of chemistry, respect, and communication. The time we both spent, none of us will ever forget because it was fun and unique.

After almost a year of this friendship, he started having deeper feelings for me, but he was very scared to express them. Therefore, a third person has informed me in front of him (he had no idea this would happen) and this has pushed things into a deeper level. I gave him a really hard time due to the fact that i was really hurt and scared to start a new relationship but he was there for me, insisting on me no matter what. We were best friends, boyfriend/girlfriend, and everything else together.

I have graduated 3 years ago, and i am currently back home. He was supposed to get back to USA to finish his studies but he faced a problem with his American visa which never allowed him to get back and finish his studies (he left 2 majors in the middle). During this period, we kept contacting each other. Sadly, i have been the one to call him because he has been my best friend for so long and the one who knows everything about me.

However, i love talking to him because he knows how to listen and advice me in all matters. He doesn't get to call me at all due to financial reasons. We went also through big fights on the phone which made us not speak to each other for long. Everytime, i was the one to call first and get things back on track. He has never made an effort to call me first and see how i am doing or because he wants to listen to my voice so bad. The only way for him to contact me first was msn and text messages.

He has no job, therefore, he still depends on his parents financially. Also, I believe that this is because i hurt him a lot while we were in the US, due to the fact that i was scared to be with him and giving him a really hard time. He tried to get over me. The only time he has called was right after i left US and he was in Qatar (his family migrated there since his dad had better job opportunities). He was crying on the phone asking me to stop treating him this way (but that was years ago).

3 months ago i have informed him i would travel to Egypt and he managed to surprise me as he told his parents that he would apply for the American University there. I saw him in front of me after 3 years. We had so much fun together. The same happened recently. I have arranged to travel to Egypt and i have thought about informing him. He was like "You are kidding me...i will be there as well" (he was going for some family business, and to take a test which will help him to enter the American University in Cairo).

So we met and we had the best time ever. It's worth to mention that he has treated me the best way. He was there, next to me and supporting me during some problems i had with the traveling agency and in everything.

My question is: Why am i the one to get to contact him first most of the time while we are far away. I mean i am not that rich, but still, because i wanna hear his voice and speak to him, i have to make overseas phone calls. I have spoke to him about it and he tried a few times to call me from his calling card with minutes which means the phone call lasts for 5 minutes maximum, while i get to speak to him for more than an hour on the phone because i like speaking to him so bad. Everytime i had to say Goodbye to him in Egypt, it was killing me.

I have said enough goodbyes to my ex with whom we had a long distance relationship for the last year out of our 3-year relationship and i feel tired from crying and being sad more than ever. I feel tired, sad, and depresses, and i feel that it is unfair to have the people i always fall for far away. Therefore, i have attempted to speak to him about it and ask him to be together everyday, next to each other facing life obstacles.

Specifically, i have asked him to come to live with me in my country where is beautiful and quite without meaning to get married but just be together like we used to in the US. It is a more free and quite country. I own a house and the economy is very good here in order for us not to waste our time away from each other and miss all the fun. I know that he really hates Qatar since there is nothing really to do over there and everything is restricted.

Further, he actually hates Egypt or the Arabic mentality, and that the ultimate for him would be to get his degree from the United States. People who have american id's or have graduated from US are more respected in Qatar and Egypt. In specific, when you have a US id in Egypt, people there take a really good care of you and they do not dare to touch you for harming you. I have tried to motivate him, and i told him to fight for what he really wants, which is to go back to US, by any means.

Since applying to the US Embassy in Qatar 4 times so far and being rejected, i have provided him with many options such as getting a visa through marrying an american woman but under the condition that she will be aware of the situation. Nevertheless, he was negative about this suggestion since according to him "he is not that type of a person and people who do this are not mentally healthy. Besides many of his friends have done this and they have many problems with their wives now."

During my suggestion for him coming to Cyprus i never received a direct reply like a yes or a no, but he tried to confuse me a little bit. after i got angry and i showed him it bothered me, he said that yes he would come visit..he clearly played dumb..He said that if he was not seeing any future with me, he wouldn't be with me. I told him that i know what he is going through but why not be together in order for me to be able to be next to him and help him during this phase he is going through. Sad thing, i never received a direct answer. Talking to a wall would have been better. Why does he pretend he doesn't understand what i am saying exactly and that he doesn't listen?

. Oh..it's such a complicated story, he is also having Canada as an alternative solution for studying..he is now 27 years old with an uncertain future..and i am 24 going on 25 soon and i am so tired going through so much pain and problems in order to find happiness and love; my breakup has ruined me. We have also discussed about future together and he said that since he is unable to work he cannot give me promises but he keeps telling me that the reason we keep in contact is because he sees his future with me.

He has actually told me that if i want us to go to a deeper level (marriage) i need to reply to the following 2 questions due to the fact that we come from different backgrounds (culture and religion):

1. Am i aware of and ready to face the problems that might possibly appear due to cultural and religious differences?
2. Am i ready to stand up against my parents for this relationship? Because we both know that they it will be so hard or maybe they will never get to accept this marriage. During this conversation, i have told him to come live with me in my country since I am soo soo confused.

I don't agree when people say that love is very close and related to trust, because even though i have strong feelings for him, it is the hardest thing for me to trust him. Specifically with other women. He most of the time flirts when there is another woman in our company and he is good at it to the point he made me believe that it is natural for him.

I am not an angel and i do the same sometimes but from my side sometimes its innocent. He makes it very obvious especially when i hurt him and he is mad at me. Due to the fact that we have been best friends, after he wanted us to move on to a deeper level, i kept feeling free to speak to him about other men as well. He was always like 'i'm your best friend and you will never get to lose that and you can speak to me about everything. But deep inside he was burning.

Last time i met him in Egypt i checked his messages on the phone and i saw this message from this girl saying that her man left her for this other woman and that she wishes for MY friend to be there because she needs him. As far as i understand, he is trying to help her through her breakup..and i don't know what rights does he give to her in order for her to tell him she needs him. I frozed when i saw it and when i asked him he started explaining that its from a friend who after her breakup she was having one night stands with people for a month and she told her ex, so now her ex knows her secret and he is threatening her.

Last, i will never forget when we were in the US, there was this hot arab girl who was in town for a small period of town and everyone was talking about how pretty she is. And because on his birthday i didnt say happy birthday to him at 12midnight and i was burning cds on the computer without paying attention to him (didn't do it on purpose; i was on my period, bad mood. however i spent the whole day searching for a present and a cake which ended up on his face). His friend came to pick him up and they returned back to his house while i was still there burning cds with 2 girls (one of them was this hot girl) and one more arab guy to have a house party. I got sooo mad i went to my house upstairs i grabbed the cake and i put it on his nface. What pissed me off is that next day he only went to apologies for the insident to this girl and not to the rest of the 2 persons who where there that night.

Lately, i made him confess what he told her and one of the things was that i was jealous of her. I said hey, what pissed me off was you leaving the house without even asking me if i would like to join you, and second its your way...and the fact you have told another girl that i am so jealous. Guess what? I am not jealous. I admire female beauty. The reason i get mad is because of your way.

Is this what he will do next time he will see a hot girl? Dump me and go tell her im jealous? Put me down in front of other people's eyes? How can i trust him this way? This incident happened 3.5 years ago and i will never forgive him about it or forget it. This has increased my fears and reasons not to trust him. With regards to religious issues, we do not have any major problems for now since we freely express our opinions and he has never disrespected my religion.

On the other hand, i am the one who has sometimes disrespected him but his answer was that he doesn't take me wrong because he knows me by heart. I wouldn't convert to Islam. On the other hand, i wouldn't mind for my kids ton be muslim or have arabic names. He doesn't seem to be a fanatic muslim but just a normal person practising his religion without taking it too far.

Any comments on my story? What do you think? Do you see any future? Is this a bunch of BS? Should i end it now? Can someone help me see clearly what is going on here?

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