Reply to Polly, Falling for people over the internet and long distance

Submitted by Straight_Talk_Luigi (United States), Aug 14, 2008 at 20:42

Thanks for that very detailed story, Polly. I am glad you have decided to share this much.

Here is what bothers about this:

1) You mentioned that he would marry an American woman to get into the country. BAD MOVE, Polly. Immigrants (the legal ones) are carefully screened, and you could get into serious trouble with immigration authorities over this, and rightly so.

2) Trust. You tell us that you are in love despite that fact that you don't trust him. This sounds like what happens when women fall for the bad boy.

Listen, Polly, if you don't trust him, there's no way a relationship can work and be fun for you. It just won't be, even if you hated yourself (all too common the West these days).

You say you love this man, yet how often do you now see him? How do you know he isn't a different person?

3) If he dumps you for a hot girl from his own culture, that is a bad, bad sign. It means that he has little respect for you and possibly for your culture. Compromising to raise the kids Muslim will not solve this problem either.

Look, Polly, Muslims outside of al quedia dislike Western values and Westerns also.

You said that this blossomed from a friendship steadily. That is good, but, I think in his heart he would prefer someone from his own culture. This may be why he doesn't take the initiative to contact you, because he doesn't really care that much. See, when guys like a girl, the biggest mistake they make is going after her TOO hard and/or too much.

Listen, I am a guy, okay? And Qatari or not, this is still a man you are talking about, and were he THAT interested, he would make the effort. It's also probably why you are attracted to him and why he seems to be okay.

3) He acts all nice and anti-sharia law (I think this is what you are getting at) NOW. But, you two aren't married. I suppose that being friends is the best way to go about this, which what you've done, but make no mistake, whenever you are marrying a foreigner, male or female, from anywhere outside of the West, Japan or Isreal (the First World) you have got to be careful.

I've seen women from all over the world break American's guy's hearts, including myself. I've had women from all over the world lie to me, Polly. So it really isn't a cultural issue as an economic one. I can't even tell how many times a Russian woman marries an American guy, comes over here, learns English, gets a drivers license and leaves.

If you haven't already, I would recommend reading what Dr, Pipes. wrote. It usually isn't that extreme, which is why most posts are about North African, Turkish and Egyptian men. But your man is right: Living on the Arabian peninsula by definition is a strict, smothering lifestyle.

4) The fights. I dated a woman mostly over the phone and myspace a couple years ago. We fought a lot too, and fighting a lot is never a good thing. But what do you fight about? Is it because of jealousy or cultural issues? That's a lot different than your favorite kind of ice cream.

5) Polly, the reason why a lot of people fall for people far away is because in a lot of cases, that is where they look. If you're on myspace, or an on-line dating site, sure! there's going to be men that will stop your heart and make faint. Same with me and the women. I realize that your situation is somewhat unique in that you meet your man first, just like reader Isis did.

I'll bet if you looked closer to home, you may be surprised at your level of attraction to men simply because of proximity, because deep down I think we all realize meeting someone in real life would be easier.

6) But, the point is, Polly, you CANNOT really know someone over text and MSN messanging. Your relationship went from being neighbors to being long distance. In a lot of cases, that alone is enough to end a relationship.

The problem that most people run into with communication over MSN, text and phone is that they think it's EASIER than meeting someone in real life. YET, if you want a successful, healthy relationship, it will take MORE effort and work to make it happen.

7) Look, your post is one of the longest I have ever read, and the key thing here is that you are asking for third-party advice, which is fine, but usually when that happens, it means something doesn't add up here.

I have been on here for 8 months and have done plenty of on-line, distance dating. The reason why a lot of people post on here is because they aren't sure, and the reason why women aren't sure is because of the communication gap (change in your case) from face-to-face to on-line.

We persons are complex creatures, and nearly 70% of our communication involves something BESIDES words. Because 70% or so of the communication isn't there, the ability of a woman to detect a man's lies and deception goes down tremendously. If she suspects something, she feels like she is being paranoid and she is the one at fault, after all, he hasn't done anything wrong yet.

Can you see this trap, Polly?

8) If you live with this man, it may give you a better idea of who he is, but one thing I have noticed, is that most of the cases in court that I see involve couples who live together and aren't married.

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