For Polly

Submitted by broken heart (United Kingdom), Aug 19, 2008 at 03:53

Deceit takes a lot of effort and a person can only sustain it for so long before their real self starts showing through. Asking questions is a waste of time, they will lie about anything, but you may find inconsistencies that will make you mad enough to walk away.

I was lucky in that Hamid told me that there was no possibility for a future between us and that he would never marry me. I am thankful for this one piece of honesty because had he lied about this I could be in a lot of trouble as I would have done anything for him in exchange for his love. This only shows how desperate I (we?) are for love.

I visited Hamid 4 times in 6 months. In person visits made a big difference, because on the phone it is difficult to see the body language. It was also important because he could not sustain his nice loving act when I was with him for 24 hours a day. As he would get tired of being with me, his patience and ability to lie would gradually wear down and his real self would emerge.

I did ask questions and I found that he lied about little and big things. I know he lied because some of his answers were illogical (1) He did not call for three weeks and claimed it was because his phone could not dial internationally, but then he did call when he needed something..... (2) He claimed a road to a village was not paved so we could not go visit - a travel agent and the internet confirmed the road has been paved for many years and is a key tourist location. (3) His ipod charger only worked for his ipod (gift from me). Yes these are little petty things, but an indication of insincerity and dishonesty which are NOT a foundation for a friendship even less a relationship.

I also found that he followed the moroccan man relationship recipe identified in so many of the blog entries on this site: Meet the man and he is a gentleman, kind, affectionate, complimentary. You are caught. Each time after that there is increasing disaster tragedy and misery in his life. Since you are caught you want to help and this is what they play on to make a living or improve the one they have.

In the case of Hamid after my first visit his mother was diagnosed with diabetes and she and his sister had to move in with him which meant he had to find a new bigger and more expensive place to live, this was aggravated by the fact that his father had demanded 600 EUR from him and he had to find the money as he could not deny his father any request.

After my second visit he had lost his job but had found a new one at a much smaller and less busy agency so that he didn't have as much work or money but still had to support his family. After my third visit he had not worked in weeks had no money to feed his family and wanted to emigrate to Italy by paying for assistance from a "man he knew" (6,000 EUR).

During my fourth visit his mother fell and had to be taken to the hospital and cataract surgery had to be moved up as the stress of the surgery was causing her blood pressure to rise, of course he needed help to pay for the surgery (900 EUR). The money he asked for may not be huge in our world, but in Morocco they are out of proportion. I have learned that a good professional salary for an office worker is between 300 - 500 EUR per month, so what I gave Hamid and what he asked for was extremely high given the cost of living in Morocco.

This blog helped me see the lies as the standard operating procedure for men who are insincere and helped me avoid many many of the problems that could have arisen if I had continued to beleive and trust Hamid.

Hamid is a physically beautiful man, intelligent and with so much potential. But his mind and heart have been taken over by hatred, envy and greed which he uses to rationalize stealing, lying and hurting others. I am sad that such a person has been lost, I hope that somehow he finds his integrity which I KNOW is in there somewhere and that he can establish a good and healthy life.

Bottom line Polly. Stop forgiving even small transgressions. It will hurt (I still do) and there will be moments of weakness when he is all you want (like a drug addiction) but if you stay each day you stay will add to your pain, misery and recovery time. STOP and move on with your life, he will.

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