What I have learned from my therapist, my experience and this blog

Submitted by broken heart (United Kingdom), Aug 29, 2008 at 17:17

I have learned that I hunger for love, and that this hunger caused me to fall for someone who had financial gain in mind. I did not intend to fall in love, or meet anyone when I went to Morocco. Why I allowed myself to kiss Hamid I will never understand as i was not taken or attracted to him at first. But the kiss, first in a couple of years, was all it took for me to lose myself and think that I was falling in love.

Hamid became an addiction. He gave me the intimacy I craved which caused me to ignore the mean and hateful things he said and did. Like a drug - when he was nice I was in heaven, but as soon as I was away from him I was down and craved him to a point of losing my rational thought.

I stopped forgiving his bad behavior and I find that when I start wanting to see him again I just remember the look in his eyes, the tone of his voice and the body language when he was being bad. This makes my craving disappear as it was all so destructive and made me feel ugly, incapable of being loved by anyone, and totally unworthy. At times I hope that he will see the light and come running back to me, but I know that the real Hamid will never change. He is full of hate that he learned as a child and is reinforced as an adult. I cannot erase the hate he has for Westerners and our culture by giving him the material things that he desires (also from the west). In retrospect so many of his criticisms of me where projections of himself.

It is said many times in the blog.... It is a desperate desire for love that gets us into these uncomfortable situations whether via the internet or in person. We forgive a lot by attributing things to cultural differences, but these things should not be forgiven as they will only get worse over time and complacency of a relationship that inevitably comes with time.

I will continue to search for love, but the lesson I have learned here is that real love should not hurt nor require you to change who you are or to compromise everything you want or believe in. Yes I was attracted to Hamid, and my ability to pay for his time made him available to me. Paying money was the least of it, it was the payment with my spirit, mental well being and self esteem which took its toll.

I am still recovering and this blog gives me strength. I see myself in so many of the contributors and I only hope that you too will "see the light" or at minimum recognize the reality of the person you are with. Stop forgiving them, the bad you see is an integral part of who they are and they will NOT change for you or anyone. If it is a girl from their country they wish to marry, this is most likely the only relationship that will work for them. The type of woman they will marry has been raised to expect nothing more or different than what these men have to give. She does not know the freedom of choice and opportunity for finding happiness that we have. We may not always be happy, but we have so much more opportunity to be so, it just takes time, faith in ourselves and willingness to reach out to others near us.

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