Still mending

Submitted by broken heart (United Kingdom), Sep 1, 2008 at 03:59

I have no rage as I learned a lot from Hamid, and I still see the beauty within him and to a degree yes I still love him and wish reality was different and we could be together. But I know this will never be. Yes he was mean and cruel but he was also honest on the most important point - the fact we would never have a future together.

Hamid reawakened my desire to be with a man that had been dormant after a 6 year relationship with an English man which was dishonest with me and led me on for a long time. With this man I suffered a deep depression as he promised the world and then pulled out the rug from under me. Rage even for this one no, but disdain yes.

Hamid had periods of sincerity that I have never experienced with another man, sharing his true thoughts and feelings. He shared his dreams (marry a local girl who would stay home and raise the children, live in Marrakech and his village), his fears (lack of opportunity to be anything but a driver), his views on women (to be completely subservient to their man), his desire for status and recognition (possess the latest electronic gadgets), his discomfort in having a relationship with a woman that made 20 times his salary. So many western men may have these thoughts but it is a weakness to share them.

I am well travelled and until this experience I have been incredibly naive. I learned that we are all humans, but how we are raised and what we learn from our environment makes us very very different and these differences are not always surmountable. I also learned that not everyone wants the lifestyle we are so proud of, that a simple life in a village with no electricity or running water may be the goal for someone. I tried hard to get Hamid to consider moving to London to live with me, he would not have to work I would put him through school, but he could not see himself taking from a woman this way as it is a man's responsibility to be the provider. He provided for his family by accepting my visits and therefore money and gifts.

I loved seeing the word through his eyes, he is a very intelligent man, and his views appealed to my intellectual curiosity and desire for something different. I think it is this difference that made him more interesting than a taxi driver in London.

The pain I experienced with Hamid drove me to the therapist, who has been a great help and whom I continue to see in an effort to continue my journey of discovering myself. This began with Hamid and I thank him for it as it is a turning point in my life.

In summary I love him still, but accept that he is not for me and never will be as neither of us can change and we want different things and the excitement of the differences would soon wear off. Interestingly this is exactly what he told me the first night I was with him 3 months after our initial meeting...

Rage is self destructive, Mandela clearly saw this and the fact that South Africa did not erupt into devastating violence as soon as apartheid was abolished is testament to this. I have learned lessons I will never forget and for which I am stronger.

I hope my desire for Hamid fades away soon, at times the pain in my stomach is unbearable as I want to see him so badly, then I remember the bad parts and slowly the pain subsides.

Rage no, enlightment yes.

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