advice please

Submitted by banita (Belgium), Sep 20, 2008 at 22:42

hi all, after reading several posts i am curious as to what everyone, especially luigi, thinks of my situation. already the red flag is that i don't feel comfortable, this i know. certainly things have not happened in the way that many others have posted. really my question is about meeting the family, when it happens, what parts, and under what circumstances. i'll give a little background first:

9 months ago i went out dancing and met a moroccan man living here in belgium. he is a belgian citizen, though was born in morocco. we had a good time dancing, i spoke almost no french at the time, he was a bit foward, but then again i nad no intention of ever seeing him again. suprisingly went went out on 3 more dates after that. i wasn't even sure i wanted to, but he made me laugh. the big bomb came just after the 3rd date and just before the 4th date.

i got a call from his wife claiing to be his sister who wanted to make it clear that he was married. when i asked him about this, since he made it a point to find out whether i was married or not and explicitily told me he wasn't, he did the classic why do you ask? i am at my borther's. this of course means yes, and i knew it. so i was none too nice in telling him where to go and what to do with himself. after 3 weeks he wanted to explain. turns out he was recently separated and felt that this meant he was no longer married. yeah right. tell that to the soon to be ex-wife.

so he really is separated, lives with his borther and the soon to be ex wife has finally given up and doesn't call anymore. can't say i blame her for being hurt and angry. he told me he married her because he had sex with her before marriage and that he was afraid for her that she wouldn't be able to return to her parents house. yes, she is moroccan. there is of course more to the story, but i only get little bits at a time.

ok... the problem. becuase we have such different cultures, i am american but have lived in europe for 3 years now, and we have language issues... my french is a work in progress... it is hard to tell what is "normal" for his culture. he isn't really muslim in the true sense. he does drink once in a great while, though since dating me that is almost nothing. he doesn't smoke, doesn't pray, but does fast for ramadan. i have made it clear to him, and never protested, that since we aren't married there will be no touching during ramadan. to his credit, he hasn't even tried and we still do things together several times a week.

he has had relationships with 2 belgians before getting married, but admits that they were primarily sexual. in general, there have been tardiness issues, bailing out on me issues when we had plans becuase his brother/cousin/uncle/etc. wanted something, cultural issues like cooking and being invited to do things with him and others, as well as general basic respect of feelings issues. i can say that each time i put my foot down, had a rational discussion, he has really made an effort to understand me and work with me. each time progress has been made and he really has made efforts to meet me half way.

we cook together now, he now will be the good western boyfriend and take care of me if i am sick, and such. i in turn have understood that the idea of women and men sociallizing is a bit odd for many parts of his family, but not all (brothers and cousins are pretty progressive). so i don't push it.

i can tell that this is huge for him becuase he has admitted that i am the first woman to ever break up with him, let alone insist that he give her all of him, soul included. he has met my friends and i have met his brothers, male cousins, nieces, nephews, and one female cousin. in fact we took the neices and nephews to a waterpark one day. he is the second youngest in the family and the youngest boy.

the current continuing issue is that he says he wants to introduce me to his sisters and mother (his father is deceased) but it is too hard and would make his family uncomfortable. he eldest brother has invted me to dinner with him at his house, but after ramadan. so my question is... exactly how serious is he? is this bit about the sisters and mother normal? can anyone help?

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