Success story or not? Too soon to tell---Does your marriage have red flags, Katy?

Submitted by Straight_Talk_Luigi (United States), Sep 30, 2008 at 17:29

You know, Katy, the one question that I have for you about this:

If you are so happily married, why are you searching for information about this particular topic on-line? I'm betting you just didn't type www.danielpipes.org/blog/comments/139299 in the URL for the fun of it. :)

Now, you say you have been married for 2 years. Great!

There's just one thing to note:

I've seen international marriages break-up over time, marriages that have lasted quite a bit longer than yours. Just look at the divorce rate in the West. Now, combine the cultural differences and how much of the possessiveness you can stand and think about the odds.

This happens with Russian women and American men. They meet a few times, visit, and then get married. She comes over here, learns English, gets a driver's ID and is gone, as was her intent the entire time.

I really hope you've read what Dr. Pipes wrote on this blog, and he is right. However, most of the time during a scam or a relationship that will not work out that has been formed across oceans, it takes more than right after you say your vows. The break-down is a slow, steady process, and I'm concerned about you, Katy, because you still mention his over-protectiveness.

Something brought you here, Katy, and it would help the readers to know what that is, because I've said many, many times:

Marriage or even children is no longer the finish line, even for sweet, traditional men from the Third World. In the case of some Muslims, they seem the same images of Western women (of any ethnicity) as Western men do. In some cases, their only contact with our hemisphere is the traveling imam, one of which I know has said how Danish women marry dogs.

The prospect of success in these relationships is not very good is it?

Here's what happens with international on-line dating: A lot of these are scams for money or visa, and they are working. If they weren't working, they would stop and find a new way to go about business.

Some, probably most, of the ones that are not scams will not work out due to cultural differences.

Hi there. I read about your comments about your guy finding reasons for not accepting or viewing your camera. I understand your concern as i also went through this situation with a man from morocco. I would get terribly upset and jealous if he would not accept my camera invite. I kept thinking why doesnt he want to see me live? He would send me an invitation to view his camera....that was never a problem as he would either be at home or internet cafe.

There's a good chance he was talking to other women, even if he married you, Katy. You're right to be jealous and upset, especially if you were together then, which of course would translate into cheating.

But on the rare occations he would accept mine, suddenly he would decline for no apparent reason. i became very paranoid that maybe he had another woman or sumthing that he was trying to hid me from. I started to ignore him after awhile because of this...however love got the better of me and i went to his country to meet him for real. What i learnt from him is that when a muslim man is serious about you he can become extremely overprotective. Bordering on the point of insanity.

Would you have put up with this "insanity" with a Western man, hmmm? Or did you write this off as a "cultural" difference?

Because you see, Katy, the Muslim men I know are not possessive like this. This sounds like classic insecurity, however, many conservative Muslims

Towards the end of my holiday i asked him about his behaviour towards the camera. I was shocked at his reply. He told me he didnt want his friends to see me when they were at his house or with him in the internet cafe in case they noted my msn address and started chatting to me and maybe break up our relationship.

I really don't by that story. Sounds like a guy making excuses.

He is fiercely protective and easily gets jealous if he thinks guys are looking at me when we go out. Sounds to me like ur man is the same as mine, hes probably scared to lose u and is thinkin all kinds of irrational thoughts. Thats why he doesnt want u to use ur cam. Some ppl may say this is a total red flag warning and to walk away now. I was told the same by my friends and family. However i trusted my instincts and travelled from england to morocco to see him. We have been happily married for 2 years now and i have no regrets or complaints about him watsoever! u no ur man best trust ur feelings on this, and bare in mind not all muslim men are after a visa or money, some just want to settle down in a loving stable relationship like we do.

Your statements, Katy, contradict themselves. You mention his possessiveness as a negative vibe, yet then say "Oh, well, we are happily married; I have no complaints."

Here's a question for you: Does he let you have guy friends, or do you have to go out of your way to make sure he does not know about that?

That is not the feeling I get from your post, and once more, stable,married couples do not need to come on the internet and talk about their relationship.

That's probably you don't see very many (NONE) Muslim couples doing this. They are too involved with each other to worry about this place, and they really could care less about other people's drama.

The thing about trusting your instincts and paranoia: It is clear to me that a lot of women on here are worried that they are being paranoid. I don't think it's being paranoid at all; I think its a necessary caution, because on-line communication is NEVER the same as a real date. You have maybe 30% of the communication over the internet as opposed to a date, a little more with webcam, which for some is the answer, except, for picture quality, timing and touch.

Also, Katy, here's a question to ask yourself:

Where is your husband as you are posting on here?

I really think it's important for you to consider these things for your own well being. The well of deceit in this can run very deep, Katy.

Please consider what I have said. Not for me, but for yourself.

---

Note: Opinions expressed in comments are those of the authors alone and not necessarily those of Daniel Pipes. Original writing only, please. Comments are screened and in some cases edited before posting. Reasoned disagreement is welcome but not comments that are scurrilous, off-topic, commercial, disparaging religions, or otherwise inappropriate. For complete regulations, see the "Guidelines for Reader Comments".