Older women and Younger men---some major red flags here

Submitted by Straight_Talk_Luigi (United States), Oct 7, 2008 at 15:00

Thanks for sharing your story! It doesn't get said often enough on here, but I realize that even on an anonymous blog, it's not easy. I realize this post is meant for Hisham, but there are some really important things to consider:

hi , as you are egyptian man do you think egyptian man of 29 can love much older woman? He wants to marry after 1 year, i have seen him 4 times in holiday. Next time he wants me to get married?

The chance isn't zero, but there are just too many red flags here. Even if this were a man of your own culture, I would worry very much about your situation. I'm 26 myself, and I would have issues dating someone who is 30, much less someone much older than me. The other thing to consider: you've lived most of your life as adult, he hasn't.

There are a lot of flings between younger men and older women happening in the Western world and in North Africa and Egypt. I think the trend has a lot to do with the high divorce rate these days, and I have to be careful how I say this, and I don't think that divorced women are sluts, but it's fair to say that they miss the emotional connection of sex, and I can understand why they would be interested in seeking out a younger guy for that attention, especially if he gives it to her.

There's kind of an unwritten rule among men my age that divorced women can indeed be desperate, or at the very least open to much more opportunties, not just sexually but in other areas also.

The problem with relationships though, is that they rarely work out, and the ones that do involve people are say 40/60 and from the same culture. One woman on here was telling me that marrying a younger man was more like adopting a son than marrying a husband. Generally speaking, women mature faster than men, which is a key reason why so many older men and younger women date, but even in these cases, a 20-year difference is a concern, and even the dating sites will concede that.

Quick marriages are never good things, even in Western culture, neither is an "I love you" that comes too soon. I once had a Russian women tell me she loved me---in the second e-mail.

The reason why scammers like quick marriages are simple: To give you less time to discern, and because spantaneous people buy into things. It's a sales trick, actually. Next time you go to the supermarket, notice how the candy at the checkout may be more expensive than in the aisle? You're under pressure to decide and you gotta do it now, because there's NO WAY you're going back in the store after buying something, right???

i am afraid he may not be with me for his love although he tels me he loves me and wants to be with me. Because he is muslim he dosnt like that we are dating.

Listen very carefully, anonymous, do NOT fall for this "it's in my culture" excuse. EVERY SINGLE person on here who has been hurt or scammed has had their significant other profess their "love."

Women have good instincts and can usually pick up on male nonsense. Since this is a distance relationship, though, there isn't as much communication. You can't feel his touch, see his body language, or kiss him.

That's really what brings a lot of women on here, anonymous, they meet a man on-line, and he does things that make them want to pull their hair out, and I'm not talking about things like "well, he's a guy and guys do stupid things." I'm referring to the disappearance for a week. That's a major red flag.

A lot of women on here seem to think "well, maybe i am just being paranoid", but, in reality, that's not the case at all. I know what it's like to blind charge into a distance relationship. Heck, I had an American woman screw me over big time. She told me I loved you to my face and all that nice stuff, but when I was gone, she would have cybersex with other men.

He cannot understand when i tell him i need to wait, he thinks i dont have enough feelings for him but i do. His family keep asking why i wont get married to him yet.?

This is almost a dead giveaway. If you'll notice in Dr. Pipes commentary above the comments, he notes that family often helps pressure the woman into change. You can bet real money it won't stop with getting married too soon.

Relationships based on cultural differences are not easy and often require compromise. It will be very difficult to do this for you if he has his family to fall back on. Clearly, this man is not respecting your space or your wishes and saying "I do" won't change that all.

I am feeling the pressure now and I am thinking about it. The culture is so different but i dont want to lose him. Because he is from resort area I have to wrestle with my mind as i sometimes label him a player,

That has been a problem on here in the past, and the reason for that I think is that people who are on vacation are relaxing, vulernable and don't have their kids along. It's the prime time for a sales pitch, and it's a key marketing strategy for vacation ownership companies.

I dont want to be one of several women who is going to se e him, he disappeared for 7 days with one text saying he was in hospital but he could not call because he had no credit , he is not working at present and i assumed he was having holiday with another . I text him some really harsh words and he text me to say its over but then he called and carried on as normal and did not mention what i had said to him! I have broke it off before because i am older but i missed him so much it affected my life here.

I can understand how you feel, and you mentioned before you need to talk to someone on here besides us. It wouldn't be a bad thing to maybe see a therapist to talk about this. One thing I have learned about distance dating is that some of the people who do it have underlying issues. I would encourage you to consider this, especially if it's affecting your life back home.

I would also note that dating scammers are not afraid to threaten to pull the plug on the relationship if you are onto their game. I've had a few women tell me that I was being very rude for asking probing questions, hoping that I would back off and just continue with the conversation their way.

The most unfair part about players, scammers, liars and people who play games is that it doesn't seem to affect them at all.

i cant have children, i feel all odds are against me and i will lose him anyway because of my age. I feel so emotionally involved and foolish to feel this way, but I need to speak to someone as I cant talk to anyone here.

The most unfair things about distance relationships is that they are often unfair. Trust me, I have been there before. My most recent experience involved a woman who lived 12 hours away, and she seemed really nice and religious and tradtional---until I found that she basically plays Russian Roulette with all of her ex-boyfriends and men she meets on-line. What a disappointment.

The reality is, you can talk to anyone on here, and I'm willing to listen to whatever you have to say.

My family are concerned but now wont talk about it. My head tells me to finish it but my emotions wont let me, he has been in my life every day for a year and i will miss him terribly, he is so calm and never gets angry, i am the one with all the frustrations, i now wonder if he is not that bright or just clever? what do you think? thanks for listening.

The reason why he is calm is because he has the "I don't care attitude" that players and scammers have. Unlike pleading nice guys, these men often attract women because they have many options, do not wear their hearts on their sleeve, and are seen as powerful and confident, as Marius Panzerella writes in his "Smart Dating Guide".

For these situations, it suggests to me that he is seeing other women behind your back. Your frustrations are understandable, but he's clearly after something, and that isn't love.

A lot of people who screw around on-line are clever, and it's not just the scammers, either. There's some college kids and teenagers who drive their peers insane on the social networking sites.

Sometimes, it's easy to feel like we are the only ones, but in reality, this kind of stuff is pretty widespread. Honestly, most of the internet is garbage.

I hope you'll write back if you feel you need anything else.

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