A Cautionary tale

Submitted by Donna (United States), Oct 9, 2008 at 18:03

Hello all. I am finding the threads here to be quite relevant and do wish I had this information before I married a younger Moroccan man, as it may have prevented a lot of heartache.

I met my husband, Karim, in the States in 2002. He was 13 years my junior. I knew the woman who was married to his brother. Their situation is exactly the same as mine. They stayed together about five years. The husband provided little support, there were never any plans for the future together, it was never really a partnership. They divorced and the woman was heart-broken. My husband has followed precisely in his brother's footsteps.

There are a lot of Moroccans in our area and I have seen much dysfunction in their relationships, romantic and otherwise. I know of only one couple, really, who seems to have a strong and loving relationship. After the initial smooze, the men become more and more distant, they are not supportive and they do not view the relationship with their spouse as being that important aside from getting their needs met.

We started dating June 20 and were married, with a really beautiful ceremony and party, September 22 of the same year. He said that he
would bring joy into my home, that he would work two jobs to support me and my daughter, etc. He portrayed himself as a businessman, son
of a successful Berber family.

He was illegal, having overstayed a travel visa issued in 1999. How he came about that visa is an interesting story that I was told only
after we married. Apparently, he had made a habit of meeting and sometimes sleeping with American and European women at hotels in
Casablanca. One of these people had high connections at the US Consulate and agreed to get his visa authorized. In short order, he
was on his way to the States. There was supposed to be a later rendezvous in the States which did not happen.

My family really liked Karim. They saw that he was treating me kindly. My sisters wrote letters on his behalf to the INS in support of his permanent residency. What no one knew, and what I was too embarassed to tell anyone, was that he wasn't working or supporting
us at all. He had business idea after business idea, and I spent a lot of money and time investigating these with him, but he never went
through with any of them. After about 18 months, he did start to get various jobs, but he would get a longing to visit home and soon he
was quitting or getting fired. He traveled to Morocco numerous times over five years and I was never invited to go and meet the family.

I ultimately helped him secure a good job with benefits, something that a lot of Americans don't even have. He started to put a little money into
the household ... maybe 25% of his income while I was contributing all of mine. Despite the history, we purchased a new house last
summer (that is, I put the money down and he put his name to it). He agreed to put a certain amount into the pot, which he frequently did
not.

It was sometime after getting his permanent residency that the distancing began. He did not want to go on vacation with me, only to
Morocco to see his family. He did not want to go out or to get together with friends. He got up in the morning and turned on the
computer to webcam with the family, and this resumed when he came home. His money got tighter and and tighter and it was obvious to me
that he was sending it home. Once when I mentioned that his wife should be the most important person to him, he shook his finger at me
and said that I was 100 times less important than his mother. Again, I wished I had known some of these cultural things.

We started arguing, but even after all of this, I did not want a divorce. I suggested that he get a place of his own for awhile so that he could see how hard it was to pay all the bills. He demanded a divorce because I "complained" too much.

He is now saying he is going home for good to Morocco although I think he will simply seek another American woman to use for as long
as he can. He received much from our marriage. I paid all the costs of a great wedding and all of the lawyer's fees to get him legal. He
has permanent residency in the US where he is making a good living. A $36,000 sports car (embarassing really) and many gifts. Now I am
paying the costs of becoming not married when I did not even want a divorce really. I just wanted him to be my partner. I don't feel
that I have much in return other than a lot of financial debt and a lot of emptiness.

I think he believes himself to be in line with his faith in that he used to drink a lot but has stopped, and he does observe Ramadan. But it must be haram to use and hurt another person, isn't it?

Perhaps someone will see something here they can relate to. Perhaps it is a little warning to someone to be careful and to go slow. Take care everyone.

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