This man is clever and is on his game

Submitted by Straight_Talk_Luigi (United States), Nov 18, 2008 at 19:14

Hi Karen! Welcome, and thanks for sharing!

As a guy, it is very clear to me that this man knows exactly how to play the game.

I want to share with you that what I see draws most women to this board is that they are not sure. I often see questions like "Am I being paranoid?" or more generally "Is it me or him"?

Karen, whenever you need third-party confirmation to make a relationship decision, it's never really a good sign, especially if you have to ask strangers on the internet. I am more than willing to listen and to help, and you are a lot farther along than I was, but I think this is where your vulnerabliity is showing, which is understandable considering you are going through a divorce.

There are men out there from both the West and the Middle East who view divorced women as easy prey for sex. It's really not the nice guys that all girls dream about, either.

It is of absolute importance to understand that people from salesman to potential dates can and will exploit your situation. In some cases, Karen, it's comparable to a shark smelling blood from a wounded seal.

I know that you've told him he'd be better off with someone younger, and his persistence worries me. The reality is, Karen, younger men dating older woman for martial purposes? It just does not happen very often at all----in any culture. The fact that he's offered to help you raise the kids and that---raise them as what? Devout Muslims who hate the West? Or maybe he's just saying that to get you to fall for him. The trick that dating scammers and liars use to get a visa or money is that they have to earn your trust first. If you were a man, they'd just steal some pic of a hot model and portray a sob story that strippers use and the guy forks over the dough.

With women, though, they are patient and will take their time. I feel like this is what your man is doing, and why he is on top of his game. I'm more used to seeing women conduct the interview as opposed to the guy, and I'm definately raising my eyebrows at that, and initially, it tells me that you really don't seem interested in him----yet, but you could fall for him. This is becoming clearer to me now. It's almost as though he wants to speed things along, that's why he keeps asking about your divorce and what-not. That's more of an inference on my part, but I feel pretty strongly about that.

I often hear women on here making the case that they are attractive, or that it SHOULD be okay because a lot of younger women are with older men. But the trend to me is very clear, Karen, that most---in fact a great majority of these relationships---end up as just flings.

The ones that do not have a whole host of problems. Women on here have previously told me that it turns out that they adopt a son instead of ending up with a partner that they can respect. This can be a problem, since you as the older person are more likely to have to deal with aging much sooner than the man will. That's the issue with dating men around my age. The other challenge is, Karen, if the man is young enough, say under 30, then he has not lived most of his life as an adult. As a general, rule, women are more mature men and tend to take care of things more, and traditionally and biologically, that's why we see more younger women with older men, it's due to comptability, not because people just "feel like it". The mechanism is much more complicated than that.

I just want you to be aware of this, Karen, because all of this combined with the cultural differences does not give good odds for a chance of success, but I suspect there is more going on here. He says he has an internship. The truth behind his story does not so much rely on whether he does or not, he may, Karen, BUT, I sense he is dating you just he can live here permanently, and you are his ticket to do so.

The other caution I want to share with you: If a devout, religious man has sex or is intimate with you, do NOT think that he has changed. This happens a lot, and it is only a phase for the vast majority of these men no matter what religion. Eventually, they will probably feel the tug of morality at their heart---or just get sick of doing the same girl. Either way, people don't like to change, especially when others want them too.

The jealousy also concerns me, and lately several of your peers on here seem to write this off as nothing. I cannot help but wonder if a Western men were in the place of a Muslim man, would they say the same, or write it off as insecuirty? I think there's a a double standard on here, and that is unfortuante, because where a lot of women get into trouble is when they ignore their natural instincts.

The problem with this sort of thing is that it could be just a glimspe of what is really underneath. Some of the conservative men can be very controlling, meaning they don't like it when you have other guy friends and want to keep you shut up in the house so no other man can see you. It can be that bad. Some Western men feel the same way, I suspect, but rarely go to such extremes to prevent a guy from looking at you.

The best thing I can tell you is call this off. I know it's not what you want to hear, but you really don't seem to be sure about this, and his persistance concerns me. He obviously wants something, and I don't think it's a steady, long-term committment with you. That is by no means a negative reflection on you, Karen, and I can sense that you just want to feel loved again, and give yourself credit for having the courage to come on here and tell your story and open yourself up to our advice, but I just do not see how this can end happily for you.

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