A Heartfelt response to Cats and Dogs, From a fellow Catholic Part 1

Submitted by Straight_Talk_Luigi (United States), Nov 23, 2008 at 17:09

Dear cats and dogs:

I have read both of your posts and I am responding to your most recent one.

The first thing I want to get out there is that no, not all Muslim men are bad, its just that most Muslims will marry Muslims. I'm sure you've heard the phrase "opposites attract", but studies continously show that couples who have similarities are more likely to have successful long-term relationships.

You really will not find Muslim couples on here defending Islam and their relationships, because the crux of these problems is not religion. Also, they also do not care about on-line drama like most people do not. They are too busy with their families and raising their kids. If this is the life you want, you aren not terribly likely to find a good husband on-line. Even if you throw out adult dating, I would still say that if you took all the dating profiles that existed today, most of those people would NOT meet their life partners on-line. There's just too much scandal and corruption, and when you take what's left from that, well, cultural differences, distance and the communication gap ulimately makes successful on-line encounters even LESS likely.

The most important piece of advice I can give you or anyone else on here:

1) People who look for love or sex on the interenet do so for a reason. People just do not wake up and randomly point to a place on the map and decide they will try and find a man there. If you read what your fellow ladies have to say, many of them are divorced or just plain sick and tired of Western men screwing around with them.

In the case of people around our age, Catsndogs, it may be the result of feeling socially isolated, like picked on high school or college because of weight, looks or lifestyle. Individuals such as these feel gravitated towards the internet (YM, facebook, myspace, Gaia, deviantart, ect.) as a means of expressing themselves. In many cases, it may not be just rejection by peers, but also by family.

Scammers and liars like this man prey upon vulernable people. Thats why I see so many divrocess and people with mental health issues doing on-line dating. A common excuse is "I'm tired of the bar scene" but in a lot of cases, I would bet real money there's A LOTO more underneath that surface.

A person does not have to be addicted to xxx sites or on-line videogames (the most frequently reported on internet issues) to encounter trouble. 3

2) Men who are religious like this man seek out sex a lot more than you may think. But under NO circumstances does it mean they have changed their views. The thing that I have seen men (really of any religion do) is as young men who are in their early 20s or 30s, they get thier kicks while they are still young, and that means using women, and even going so far as to convince you to take off your clothes and moan over the internet. It happens a lot, and I myself have encountered young women who are shy about this, but they can be talked into it. Some men are masterful at this, and as a woman, it is imperative that you recognize this and resist it.

Muslim posters on this blog mostly agree with me, because on-line scammers and liars use deciet. They've also shared that they feel very embarrased about the behavior of the men discussed on this site.

This man was leading you on into sin, and if I had to guess, this was a possible recruitment for sex slavery. What happens in sex slavery in countries like the UAE is that they offer young girls such as yourself jobs, and inevitably you have your passport confiscated and end up in some brothel.

In the USA alone, thousands of people are snuck into here against their will, and we have caught several men who have women who are essentially held under house arrest for sexual or labor purposes. It is very, very sick, but it does happen, I am sorry to say.

I understand your confusion and hurt in this situation. What I can tell you from experiences is that sex on the internet or phone is not real love. I am quite convinced that real love cannot ever happen over the internet or the phone exclusively, and the more I am on here and the more I learn about distance romantic networking over YM, myspace and dating sites, the more affirmed I am in my positions.

As a guy who is 27, it is VERY apparent to me that the others were right: you were being used. Its safe to say that most of the women on here want to find normal people.

The thing I want you to understand, Catsndogs, is that what brings women here a lot is uncertainty. If you read carefully the posts that ask for advice, they have an "I'm not sure, is it me?" or a "Am I just being paranoid?"

The answer is NO. I expect that this uncertainty comes from a lack of trust and is part of that female intution that you have to help weed out male nonsense. The challenge with this over the internet is that you are getting maybe 30-40% of the communication you would on a real date.

I think that at some level, your confusion relates to this, especially if you are new at the whole cybersex thing. I have no doubt it was uncomfortable. I remember my first experience doing this, and it was pretty intense, even if it was not the real thing.

Utlimately, that is the most unfair things about on-line relationships. They FEEL real, but what we need to recognize is what is real and what is not real.

In your case, your man probably had several women he talked to. You'll find that this quite common with people who spend a lot of time on-line: If they are willing to do that with you so easily, expect them to be the same with other people. The exclusivity feeling of "this is special" comes deceptively with sexual on-line encounters.

I've been involved with on-line relationships and I have personally investigated them. In nearly every case, it was clear to me that the women (and men I suppose) were talking tother people. Some will not even try very hard to hide it (the liars, not so much the scammers.

The biggest concern I have for you right now is will you be able to permanently let go? Sometimes, I see women break down and go running back to their men. I want to encourage to be strong, seek the sacramant reconcilatiion, maybe even talk to your priest about this and come back on here as much as you need to, okay?

I will write more later about more specific examples, because I want you to understand that this kind of thing is more common than you might thing, even amongst, good, decent religious people.

Know that you are never alone.

-Luigi

---

Note: Opinions expressed in comments are those of the authors alone and not necessarily those of Daniel Pipes. Original writing only, please. Comments are screened and in some cases edited before posting. Reasoned disagreement is welcome but not comments that are scurrilous, off-topic, commercial, disparaging religions, or otherwise inappropriate. For complete regulations, see the "Guidelines for Reader Comments".