Dear Sofii, some thoughts---Egyptian man, on-line dating, teenage, myspace, facebook, Muslim, Christian, Western

Submitted by Straight_Talk_Luigi (United States), Nov 23, 2008 at 20:36

Hello Sofii, and welcome! It's not terribly often we get someone so your age on here! I'm glad you shared your story with us, and I know that it may not have been the easiest thing you've ever done :)

I'm one of the younger posters on here (27), so I feel I can relate here, having gone through this myself several times. I'm not trying to be rude, but I am going to respond to your post directly because I feel its important for you to see where I am coming from and so you can follow my logic.

i am 17 years old and seem to have fallen for this 24 year old egyptian muslim man and over messenger which is really sad lol. I've read quite alot of these comments on morrocan or arab men saying they love u and want to marry u to get a visa etc. This does make me question but i still think he is genuiene but there is always that doubt until u meet them and find out bout their personalities in real life.

First of all, I can understand your attraction to this man. I would bet that he seems mature, handsome, sweet and exotic, and very different from boys your own age. I actually just ended a dating relationship with an 18-year-old, or rather she did with me, and I can understand how up and these things can be for teenage girls.

The real challenge for on-line, distance dating, Sofii, is to recognize what is real and what is not. Sometimes, we get soooo very much wrapped up in our feelings for a person, and over the internet or phone, it's easy to see all the good in a person, ESPECIALLY if we are being lied to or scammed, because the whole point is present something that we are not.

The other thing I would say it's not just Moroccan or Muslim men who run these scams, oh no! I can tell you plenty of stories about how American men got scammed by Russian, Nigerian and Asian women. In fact, this is more common (and easier for scammers) for men to fall for than women!

we do talk everyday and we have both said we really like each other and obviously because he is muslim he needs to get married to the person who he wants to be with. He has said he would wait until when i am ready to marry and he teaches me about islam and of course wants me to be muslim however i have never said i would be muslim for him and he hasn't pushed me to say that. We both have said we love each other but we are still more like growing in friendship and love at the same time. His mum has said hi to me on webcam lol and i will be visiting him (really really wish to) nxt year.

The first thing I would say is that if you do not want to be Muslim and he wants you to be, that's a problem. See, Sofii, even if this is not a scam, what happens to some relationships that are not is that they do not work out due to cultural differences. So the chances of something like this working out to happily ever after really are not too good, and that's pretty much the case with any long distance relationship. Most of the people who currently are on-line looking for love will not meet their life partner (or A life partner) over the internet.

The reason for this, Sofii, is that most people are on the internet looking for love for a reason. Many are liars, scammers, just looking for sex. I mean, if you are talking to someone on-line at 2-3 am his/her local time, that's a definate red flag because normal people are not on-line at that time, and most people I know who are on-line do not talk to people they have not met in person.

I live with my parents so i dont own a house flat i dont have a job so i dont know how he could be untruthful and hes never asked for money and its been 9 months now

You really have to be careful here, Sofii. A lot of women say "well, he's never ASKED for money." but they rarely ASK, instead they try and guilt-trip you with a sob story. This works wonders on men, and it's how so many American men open their wallet to this. It's actually the same idea whenever a stripper sits on their lap and gives a sob story. My friend had this happen to him once, and he felt obliged to give, and she did not even ask!

What brings a lot of women on here is uncertainty. They ask themselves "is it me? am I being paranoid?" In your case, it seesm to be "Am I wrong to think he could have bad motives without solid evidence?"

See, Soffi, talking to a guy on-line is not the same as dating him in person. We are very complex, social creatures, and over the internet you are getting less than half of the communication you would on a real date, that's where so many problems come in.

Also, as a guy, I can tell you that men who talk to a woman on-line are MUCH more confident than if it were in person---or even on the phone.

.. and i would never send him anyway not lke i have any im a student! haha. umm what else... ive spoken to his friends.. he only wants me to decide on whether to become a muslim and he is really respectful of me and he has mentioned that jealousy is in his blood but its not a scary thing its cute but i have told him straight i still want male friends etc. we basically just spend our time chatting bout lots of different things, calling each other silly names and laughin alot in each others company and i want to go to egypt to spend time with him see culture see his family and mosques and everything and see how that goes..

Yeah, the thing is, Sofii, this is kind of how it all starts. Jealousy in his blood? That concerns me, actually. He could be just letting the cat out of the bag, and once you are emotionally invested in him, he won't want you to have male friends. I think this man thinks he can change you, Sofii, and he's biding his time patiently, waiting for you to fall for him so you'll do anything for him. I've seen that attitude more than once on here, unfortuantely, and it spells disaster with a capital D.

i know its crazy though im only 17 but wanted to know what others think? I also think the real test is saying to them that if you do marry them then you want to stay in egypt ...and see what they say then.

The thing is, maybe you will not want to live in Egypt after being there? It's a lot different than Europe or Austrailia.

I also want to share with you that this is like nothing like your average teenage, high school relationship or teenage myspace drama. This is big-time, serious stuff, Sofii, and I only say that because women nearly three times your age and with advanced graduate degrees buy into this whole scenario wholeheardtly.

There was a case once over myspace where I did, and it took me 1.5 years and about 5-6 thousand euros to realize my mistake. I will warn you, Sofii, once you fall in love, simply saying no is not that simple. These scams exist for a very good reason, and it's because they work. If they did not, no one would be doing them.

What I would like you to do, Sofii, is to ask yourself why you are seeking a man so far away from home. Is it because you feel insecure about something about yourself? Maybe the guys at school are not showing interest? Maybe you feel that its hard to make friends, or that family is being distant towards you?

Sofii, these are all viable explanations that draw teenagers to interact so intimately with people on-line. I just want you to try and understand what is happening here and have a rational point of view. I'm probably asking a lot, because you are young and may not understand the dynamic of the internet and communication, but like I said, this is way, way above the average teenage drama. The internet is full of coniving adults, and the fact that a 24 year old conservative Muslim is willing to date a teenager from thousands of miles away bothers me as a guy, because they sometimes seek out younger girls because they feel they'll have a better chance to get what they are after.

That's really why you see so many divorced women on here, or women who are struggling with a mental illness. They go after what they see as vulernable, and I have said that older women dating younger men is a red flag, so too are men in their mid-20's going after a 17 year old, even if you are mature for your age. I definately will not date anyone younger than 18, and I am 27.

You would be amazed, Sofii, at how these men on the internet lie to your face without blinking. I had a woman who lived an hour away from me do that, and the entire time we were together, she was cheating on me, she strated literally HOURS after we got together. Some of the men discussed on here are no different. They might even have a few windows popped up as they are talking to you giving advice on how to seduce Western women. You just never know.

I do not think you are crazy, and I can understand your situation, but please, Sofii, take yourself outside of your mind and body and see this with an objective point of view. You're a lot further along than I was. I defend my relationship, too, and ironically, she was probably cheating on me even as I was defending her. You'd probably be amazed at how selfish some people are these days.

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