missy

Submitted by Lina (United Kingdom), Dec 5, 2008 at 18:04

Missy, I can understand your shock & anger at your mother displaying your personal relationship on a public blog. You must definitely feel violated, and I myself would grimace at the thought of my mother still involving herself in my relationships at the age of 40. Hell, I can't stand it now & I'm 19. Of course it's up to you what you do with your life, parents are there to control us up until we're 18, and from then on the most they can do is advise/guide us. And we all need to make our own mistakes in life, in order to mentally progress. Our parents won't be around forever, so it's down to us to create our own futures.

That said, I'm sure you really like this Moroccan man, but you should always keep advice like this in the back of your head - I know it sounds harsh a lot of the time, infuriating even, but as long as you take note, you can take out the vital info when you need it most. You might look back one day & say, "hey, that's exactly what happened to Hunny UK, etc". I agree that no one on here should tell you - or any of us - how to live our lives; and some people on here can be cynical & have had little to no credible experiences with Muslim men. But others on here are really informative, mainly because they've had real bad experiences. They know what they're talking about.

No, your lover shouldn't be judged based on his religion, but what people are pointing out is some of the problems that arise from dating someone from an entirely different culture. Islam isn't just a religion, but a way of life, depending on how strict the man is. Sunni/Shia, it doesn't matter, it's down to his upbringing/family. Some women are fortunate enough to marry Muslims who are faithful yet open-minded, while others marry into a whole new, repressive lifestyle.

There are bad men everywhere, I don't judge anyone based on their appearance, beliefs etc. I've known a*holes from everywhere from Germany to Bangladesh. And I won't judge your partner either, as I don't know him personally. Just ignore all the narrow-minded fools around you, they aren't worth bothering with, only YOU know what you feel. What you should listen to is unbiased, educated advice from those who care about you.

It seems to me that you've had quite an overprotected upbringing, with an overtly cautious christian mother? A lot of men tend to target these types of women, sheltered women who need an escape, and of course the Arabian Adonis will come along like a knight in shining armour & the woman will fall at his feet. It's the same with manipulative older men & inexperienced young girls. The most vulnerable women in society are: middle-aged, teenage, lonely, divorced or abused. And these are preyed on most. I'm not putting down your relationship, I'm just stating a common scenario. This Moroccan man, he's different, isn't he? He's hotter, fitter, more romantic & less uptight than most American guys you've known, right? To most tired, Western/European women, a North African guy seems like the dreams of their childhood.

Generally, most muslims prefer to have women accompanied at most times. When I travelled to Morocco, I wasn't allowed out of the house without a male escort (and this was quite a liberal family I was staying with, not Shia), and in other North African countries I was treated as a "free woman" if I was alone. But Moroccans/Tunisians etc. are generally more liberal than other muslims, some don't even follow the religion that closely, & quite a few women aren't covered. Usually muslims do settle down with, & marry younger women, it's just the way it is, but of course there are exceptions. I knew a North African man who was married to an older, wealthy European woman for 5 years before he tossed her aside for a young girl... just like that. It's cruel, & no one likes to see generous, open-minded women getting taking advantage of like that.

You're right, none of us are going to affect your decisions or lifestyle, it's just the internet & it's up to you what you do with your life. But that said, you should try to listen to as many viewpoints as possible. Even if you think it's a bunch of air, if you want a successful relationship be prepared to listen to all opinions - even ones you don't want to hear. I'm personally confident in my man, & thus I couldn't give a damn what anyone else says about him, because my faith is that strong. No one here has a personal vendetta against you, they're just sharing their bad experiences. This isn't an "Aren't North African Guys Great!" blog, & you won't find any ego rubs here, just cold hard reality.

Overall, good luck with your man but try not to ignore all the warning signs. I'm not saying you should go around with a chip on your shoulder, but think carefully before your marry him. Usually, when you marry a Moroccan man, you marry his entire family also. If you do marry him, it would be best if you lived in Morocco if possible, as most relationships where the man has moved to the western country have failed miserably.

Note: Opinions expressed in comments are those of the authors alone and not necessarily those of Daniel Pipes. Original writing only, please. Comments are screened and in some cases edited before posting. Reasoned disagreement is welcome but not comments that are scurrilous, off-topic, commercial, disparaging religions, or otherwise inappropriate. For complete regulations, see the "Guidelines for Reader Comments".