Reply to Missy - an unbiased view of points to consider

Submitted by Isis (Australia), Dec 5, 2008 at 20:26

Actually I didn't anticipate a response from you and it is good that you have had a look at this site. I don't have a sad story to tell as I am in a long distance, happy 4 year relationship with an Egyptian man who I didn't meet on the internet. I met him in person in Egypt. and our relationship has developed over time. This time has given me the opportunity to gain an understanding of Islam, middle eastern family culture, the financial contraints imposed on people of these developing nations, the politics between the west and the middle east and how people of the middle east view westerners and in particular Americans (not always good).

Just because boy meets girl on the internet and all seems happy in the interim you will really need to be aware of the huge cultural gap between the west and the middle east. Age difference actually has not much to do with it at all and I don't consider that you are too old for your man. Who wants to be with a balding, overweight middle aged man with baggage and a big nose and anyway!

The family bond between a family in the middle east is strong and this for a lifetime and beyond. We have nothing to compare this with in our western society. In an effort to keep family honor, diginity and pride intact the mother who is a true is matriach manages her family with precision especially her treasured sons. This is why I raised the issue of you meeting your man's mother on the internet and this control by a mother is always discreetly in the background, never out in front. This is an major indictor of concern that this relationship may not be what you deem it to be.

You are of course entitled to be happy in a relationship of your choosing but please don't commit to any long term relationship and financial help (incl a lawyer's fees) until you have met him in person a number of times. Meet his friends, talk to his siblings, see where he lives, see where he works.

Then ask yourself :

1, Do I like his friends and family?

2, Can I cope with this spartan lifestyle in Morocco (and it will be) because I will be in Morocco far more than he will be in America?

3. Can I accept what he expects of me after marriage because even though you may not convert to Islam there is a great chance that he will still expect you to act as a dutiful Muslim wife.

4. Can I still be an honest and true mother to my daughter in this relationship?

5. Am I prepared to go through with the financial burden of travelling, lawyers, visas and supporting him and his family (and you will be because what money you give him will ultimately go to his family). The last point is not necessarly a "scam" but this is what happens within the middle eastern family culture. The sons support the family so what he gains from you in monetry terms will end up with his family.

6. Am I prepared for the heartache that will surely develop over the thousands of miles from Morocco to the USA while the relationship grows and settles and am I prepared for the physicality of all the travelling that I will need to undertake to Morocco while all this is happening?

7. Do I really want to lose my own identity, family and friends over this relationship?

8. ...... and I'm sure that you will find many more questions that you can ask yourself!

In closing, I whole heartedly agree that you are free to make your own choices at 40 years of age but at what cost? Are you really prepared to lay relationships on the line with your daughter, family, friends and the reality of diminishing finances for someone that you haven't even met in person? My best advice is - meet him in Morocco but only take enough money to be comfortable while you are there - get to know him in person - have a great vacation - meet his family and friends - meet the lawyer - do your own research on visa requirements with both government agencies. Make sure that you have a wonderful time discovering your man and the Moroccan culture and then make a decision on the relationship based on fact and not purely on emotion and adrenalin.

As for Islam in your life - this will be your personal decision after you have experienced and personally viewed the woman's role in Islam. My verdict is still out on that one but I am certainly not comfortable with the Koran's view of women. I am a western woman with a voice, ambition, independence, education and hair that I will not cover. My man understands this and it has never been a problem with us.

I wish you all the best for wise decisions and peace of mind.

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