Honest, straight advice for ALR

Submitted by Straight_Talk_Luigi (United States), Dec 22, 2008 at 21:54

Dear ALR

Thank you for sharing your story! I'm sure it may not have been the easy to tell us about this.

I have been dating a Muslim man here in the states for going on 3 months, and so far things have been great. He is very kind, generous, respectful, and loving. He told me that he loved me about a month ago and that he has never told any girl he has dated that he has loved them before. He told me that he wanted to tell his family about me (they are still in the Middle East).

I can see now why you attracted to this man. It's always nice to have someone who is kind, generous, respectful and loving. The problem is that pretty all relationships, even those destined to utterly fail, start out this way. The last relationship with a woman I met on-line started like this, and it was the same case with a girl I met at my friend's party two months ago.

As I've been sharing with the other readers, neither of those worked out.

He is currently back home with his family for a vacation, and he said before he left that he was planning on telling them about me. He is in his late 20's, has a very good job, working on his masters' degree, and has a house. He became a citizen a couple of years ago and has no plans to go back to the Middle East (Lebanon).

That's really not all that uncommon. The men who are discussed on this site are not Bedouin goat herders, they are educated, especially if they know English are talking to you.

Like I mentioned earlier he said he loved me and wants a future with me, etc. I feel that we have a lot in common, and I am quickly falling for him. Anyway he did mention to me that if his family says no that we can no longer date. Their word is law, and I was aware of this because I am educated and have been doing additional research on Islam and his cultural background. So, I want to know if I should just end this before it really gets any more serious. See I have some additional baggage: I am divorced and have a child of my own. I am also college educated, I am a teacher, and I feel like I have a good head on my shoulders.

It does sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, because you are trying to reason this out and are not blinded by love and passion for this man.

Since the nature of a teacher is to research, explore, and learn I decided to go into an Islam chat room. I started talking to this man who basically told me that my bf is full of crap. He told me that: he will never marry you, he is telling you what he wants to hear, and I can bet money that he will never marry you. He then went on to say: Muslim men want a whore as a girlfriend and an 18 virgin Muslim as a wife. He is also Middle Eastern.

I by no means consider myself a whore and in fact I have abided by the Muslim laws of premarital sex.

I would give yourself major credit for that. Unfortunately, he may still see you as a piece of meat. I know of a lot of religious men who will have their fun dating women who not of their culture or religion just for kicks. In the back of their mind, ALR, they know that nothing short of a virgin or a clean girl from their own culture and religion will do for matrimony. If this man does offer to sleep with you, it does not mean he's willing to give up his values, just suspend them.

The problem with his statement is that who constitutes a Muslim? You have nice Muslims, like the people I have met and of course Hisham Zein who posts on here, and then you have the al quedia who also stake the same claim.

More relevant to our discussion though, I have mentioned a man Hamid from Sweden. Hamid was an accused rapist in Sweden and was interviewed. When asked if he would ever marry a Swedish girl, he say he would never marry a Swedish sl-- (catches himself, smiles) girl, he meant, but a woman from his culture, when he was done screwing Swedish girls.

So, his view of Western women is that Western women are sluts, virgin or not. There is a phenonomea in Europe amongst men like him who regard women who do not the wear the viel as open-season for rape and sexual exploitation. You won't hear about this on main-stream media channels because the EU media is too poltically correct. They've even gone so far as to cover for the rapists in Scandinvaia and label them as "swedes" and "finns".

I also remember reading an interview of about 3 Somali men around my age getting interviewed in Norway. When asked about what they thought of Norweigan women, they looked at each and laughed as one of them said "I know they are good in bed".

The sad reality is some Muslim men are told that women from the West, namely Scandinvia, are sluts who marry dogs and the like. Who tells them this? Their religious leaders, in many cases, the most influential voice in their soceity. All across the Muslim world, what these men say becomes more relevant because literacy rates are dropping due to population growth.

In some cases, it's more of a guy thing. You mention later that you are divorced, and well, a lot of guys, even non-Muslim, see divorced women as desperate. It may not be true for every divorced woman, but I'm sure that on level you miss the intimate connection.

If you go archiving and read the posts on here over the last 2 years, most of the women on here are divorced. That is no coincidence.

Those feelings of longing that these women have are normal and I would never chide a woman for having them, but it's very critical that you recognize them and learn how to deal with them and how they could be exploited by devious men who know the dating game.

I am very respectful towards him, and I have always been open minded to different people and cultures. I have never been on this side of the racial line before.

I once asked him that if you don't think your parents would approve of you dating an American girl then why do you do it? He said that he had done it for companionship, but never expected to really feel something for an American girl until me.

I feel that he has been open and honest with me(he didn't have to tell me about his parents and the consequences if they say no),

Hmmm.....I really wonder about this. Sometimes, what they do is give this type of information to you slowly after gauging to see how you feel about them. I remember I met a Russian woman on-line once who pretended to be from a neighboring town and then in an e-mail apologized for lying almost immediatedly, but they also move a lot faster with men.

I concerned that this is the angle he is working from.

and after learning some of this I did try to break it off and he started crying hysterically saying that we didn't even know what they would say yet. So I said ok we will wait and see.

Ugh.....the crying. So familar. The woman I met on-line pulled the same thing after we met up a few times. Whenever she wanted something, she would start crying and threatened suicide. Honestly, do not be sentimental here. Break-ups are never really easy, and do not let him blackmail you.

I feel like I have in the back of my mind been planning for us to fail, and now with that guys comment I am even more concerned. It seems so cruel, and does not seem like my bf would ever do this. I am confused and don't know what to do. . I am just panicked now that maybe this is true. I just don't think that after a divorce I am in a position to get hurt by someone who is deceitful. He doesn't seem this way to me. What is your opinion since everyone seems to have more experience than I do.

The fact of the matter is that if you just got a divorce, yes, you are in a vulernable position and it is very possible that he is after you for that reason. Scammers and liars often prey on divorced women.

Also, it sounds like you have had doubts about this before you talked to this Muslim fellow, which is perhaps why you brought it up with in the first place.

Here's the thing: If you need third-party confirmation to be in a relationship, especially from people on-line, that is not a good sign.

Your mentioning of how a break-up has always been in the back of your mind---I think it's time to listen and explore that. It sounds like from you said earlier, you are just worried about hurting his feelings and yourself to some degree.

Break-ups are never fun. I recently had someone break up with me, but in a way I am relieved. I cannot sit and here and tell you that this will be easy, but I really really do think it is for the best.

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