Imbalance of Power and Relationships

Submitted by Keri (Canada), Dec 30, 2008 at 01:46

I've been following these posts for over two years now. When I first came on, i was wide eyed and love struck.

I googled, "In love with a Muslim man" because I wanted to know about cultural and religious differences and it brought me here. I was like Lisa, in love with my man, and wanting to believe in the goodness and purity of our love. I scorned "steph", an original poster who talked about her Turkish husband and how he changed when he was denied a Green card. I knew that my relationship was different, and pure. He let me talk to his mother for goodness sake. I also talked to his bestfriend, his sister, and his 10 yo neice.

After two years of talking to him, meeting him twie and him coming to stay with me for a month, the lies came tumbling out. I could not deny that most of our Rx (relationship) was based on lies, trickery and games.

The truth is, it is VERY rare for a younger man to want to build a Rx with an older woman who does not/cannot have kids. I am 39 and can still bioloically bear children... I just DON'T WANT to. My 34 yr old Moroccan man was very honest with me in this regard. After all the lies came out and he had no other choice but honesty, He had asked me if he could take a 2nd wife so that he could have kids. He stated he would live with me, but visit her and the kids for three months out of the year but that I would be the #1 wife because I was the first one. Believe me, your men will want children. It is "their destiny".

Further, when there is an imbalance of power, cultural awareness, and financial stability, it does not make for a good Rx. It is not the natural order that these men are used to. They are used to being treated like Kings. The men sit at the cafes all day sipping their tea while their sisters and their mothers work. A good 4 hour day... and the men are done. Once they come here, it is very difficult for them to get used to the 8-12 hr workday with two weeks vacation a year. Its barbaric for them, and many grow to hate this life. They begin to live off of the women in their lives, much as they did back home. If they don't have kids with you, then they have no obligation to support you or to contribute to the household beyond buying their cigarettes. These men would never get involved with much older women in Morocco. Sex? Sure...but LTR? Never.

Anyhow, it took me over two years to come to my senses. I thought I was careful. I never sent money. I guarded my feelings, I never travelled there, and I STILL got played. The irony is that I know that he did eventually grow to have very deep feelings for me, but it was too late because once bitten... twice shy. I could never trust him again.

Note: Opinions expressed in comments are those of the authors alone and not necessarily those of Daniel Pipes. Original writing only, please. Comments are screened and in some cases edited before posting. Reasoned disagreement is welcome but not comments that are scurrilous, off-topic, commercial, disparaging religions, or otherwise inappropriate. For complete regulations, see the "Guidelines for Reader Comments".