Some ideas for protecting yourself

Submitted by Donna (United States), Dec 30, 2008 at 20:35

Hello anonymous.

I wish you the best with your situation, but I have to say I see more than one red flag. The first, of course, is his refusal to tell his family about you. The fact that you seem to be his little secret tells me, based on my experience, that this is designed to be a temporary marriage for him.

I could not imagine not telling my family members about what should be a very important step in one's life, a marriage. I once mentioned to my ex-husband, who was also 40 years old at the time, that his marriage should be the most important relationship in his life, and that idea was put down in immediate and very harsh fashion.

I learned that I came quite behind his mother, his father, his brothers, his sisters .... that hurt a bit. I am also alarmed about his comment regarding giving you five years of his life; that precise phrase is familiar to me. This interval is exactly what my ex-husband "gave" to me, what his brother and others I've known also gave their ex-American wives, before divorce occurred. This interval is about when permanent residency might be gained in the States, or when he may have saved enough money in order to marry someone from home.

I would like to have seen you draw up a pre-nuptial arrangement that was legal in the States. I will never marry again without one. Although my ex-husband was barely or not employed the first half of our marriage and thereafter gave the bare minimum to our household, he expected quite a lot from the divorce, threatening to take "half of the house", "half of my business", etc.

The financial damage was rough. I would definitely protect your bank account, and not blend all your money, no matter how guilty he may make you feel, until well after five years of marriage. He is likely to be very unhappy about having to work full-time, perhaps in fairly menial jobs at first. Stick to your guns and insist that he carry his weight after a reasonable time. Again, just based on my experience, my husband gave only the bare minimum and likely sent most of the rest home.

I would not hold out hope for that business idea; it is what a lot of these men expect to do, but most find that they do not have the skills to build and keep afloat a business in the U.S. that earns sufficient money. Once my husband's papers were in order, he expected to travel home yearly, without me, for up to six weeks at a time, during which he did not work. You might want to set some guidelines about this, and consider how it might make you feel to be left behind as it seems that might happen if he doesn't want to tell his family about you. My husband did not know, nor did he want to learn, the concept of being a marriage "partner".

Back to some ways to protect yourself, do not put him into your will or on your lfe insurance right away. Do not purchase a house together in both your names for at least five years. Protect important documents. And definitely have your own lawyer. I am truly sorry if I come off as negative, but these are things I have learned the hard way. Keep a journal and write things down, good or bad, everyday if possible. Keep this in a safe place. I think there may be no way to protect your heart, but please do not allow yourself to be damaged financially as I did.

Take care.

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