Family Bondage, Secret Relationships, Jordan, Jordanian

Submitted by Straight_Talk_Luigi (United States), Dec 31, 2008 at 03:53

Hey there anonymous, and welcome back!

I do not know if Farrah or Yasemin will be get back to you, but I thought I would chime in on here. I'm one of the few guys who have been posting on here, well, quite consistently and thought a fresh perspective might help.

Let me just say that I realize this is difficult, and talking about it on-line and opening up like you have does take courage.

My thoughts on a man who must hide his relationship means a lot of problems. Even though one of my aunt and uncles eloped back in the early 70s, it is rare, anonymous, for people to pick sig. others over family in my view, especially when religion is involved.

It is perhaps tempting to write this whole thing off as just "his culture." In my experiences with Muslims, their worldviews vary considerably, so it does depend, but I've warned other women too about this "culture excuse." If a man must hide you out of shame, there will be serious tension.

I can almost promise you that he will NOT sacrifice his family for you indefinately even if he says so. If you do bring this man over here he might give you his full attention for a while, but eventually, he will want to have contact with his family, and I sense from what you have said that they will influence his part of the marriage considerably.

You also mention the age difference. That is always an issue, especially if the woman is the older one. Now, I catch a lot of flack on here for saying that, but I do not write the rules, I simply tell it like it is, and even if this man were a full-blooded American, I would be telling you the same thing.

People have different opinions on this, but the reality is it's not a coincidence that most stories on here involved women who are older than the man.

Most relationships involving older women and younger men turn out to be nothing more than flings. Some women seek this out intentioanlly but realize this is the case. Yet you are talking about marriage.

The problem with long-distance relationships most often is trust. It's really hard to build up trust with someone you do not see in person often, because you really cannot know them until you meet them AND spend time with them. Honestly, these once every-few month trips abroad won't cut it, and phone calls and cam chats will never fill the gap. We are very complex, social creatures and have evolved/been created to communicate most intensely by our senses besides reading what happens on-line. Touch, smell (the most powerful sense when it comes to memory), looking into his eyes, ect. cannot happen often enough over distance. That is why so many international relationships fail.

Look, no one likes to hear bad things about their relationship or that it might fail, so give yourself credit for coming on here and at least admitting to yourself, that hey, something may be wrong here. I am glad that you have not allowed him access to your bank account, but does it not seem rather strange to want to marry a man that you cannot trust in this way? I'm not so sure that is a good thing, but I am aware than some couples do keep seperate finances. Next to adultery, money is the next major reason for divorce.

All in all, I really do not like the sound of this, especially if this is a quick marriage scenario and if you have not seen him enough to comfortable in this situation, which obviously you are not (and rightly so) since you are kind of asking for third party confirmation about what to do.

Its understanadble how you feel, but please keep in mind that marriage is designed to be a lifelong committment, and I really do not believe he is being very forthcoming here. It is very possible all he wants is a visa. That is very generous of the people from your Church to help him, but I promise you even if you go out of your way to help him, he very well could take advantage but still bolt on you once he is settled in. I remember how a man from Idaho said how he married a Russian woman, went ouf of his way to acqaint her with members of the local Russian community there, and how did she repay him? She stuck around long enough to learn English, get a lisence and then she was gone. Interestingly enough, there was a pretty big age difference there.

Please carefully reconsider this, anonymous. Marriage certainly is not the finish line in these relationship. I realize this is not what you wanted to hear, but it just may spare you a lot of trouble in the future.

-Luigi

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