Food for thought

Submitted by a muslim woman (United States), Jan 3, 2009 at 04:59

Muslim woman rarely in the middle east divorce their husbands unless it is an extreme circumstance such as being beaten or cheating outside of marriage. The courts are not like here you must prove under islamic law that you have a very good reason for leaving your husband and breaking up your family.

Even with extreme circumstances such as beating, woman often stay because the hope for their future is very little. What I mean by this is that divorced woman do not get remarried, their is a higher ratio of woman than men because many men seek either education or financial means outside of the country. This is one of many reasons but the truth is that the culture is that your bride should be a virgin and their are plenty. Since this means the families honor within the society.

The men that marry other than a virgin is because they need something, this is the only way his family would agree to the marriage, even if he was an adult. It would be an accepted reason for them to get married, it is a trade off. i.e... He needs a green card and she needs a husband. The woman in the middle east must return back to her family, there is no living alone. If she has grown children she can live with her sons or them with her. But she will still take care of the household whether it be her parents or childrens or both.

Also a divorced couple are forbidden from seeing each other by the families, there are no exceptions to this rule. Woman rarely buy men gifts, men will find a way to provide the mahr "dowry" for marriage even if it means borrowing from the family. The mahr is the womans Islamic right and she determines and is part of the marriage contract. There are also provisions in the contract in the event of divorce. He asks for her hand in marriage and his family is thoroughly checked out to make sure he is from a good family. Once agreed upon, there is an engagement to tell the community it is ok for them to be together but never unchaperoned.

There is a small window of courtship to see if the two are compatible. Heis then expected to up the house before marriage for her to enter. The wedding day is one of the most important and hundreds are invited to announce the wedding to the public. It is forbidden to keep it a secret. The mans responsibility is to take care of all of the finances and womans is household chores and raising the children. She can help him financially if she chooses. The man definetely is head of the household and has all final decision making. If this is not the case than he has the right to divorce on these grounds alone. She enters his family. His mother holds the highest position in his life above all others then his children. He is not only financially responsible for his wife and children but also all the woman in his life, mother and sisters even after marriage. Often them being first.

Many wives will sacrifice a lot for their husbands, even 5 years with another woman in the hopes of feeding their family, since jobs are scarce and daily food does not come cheap. The average wage is 200 or 300 dinars for a man a month. Put rent, food, electric, water, medical and children in the picture and well you can imagine the desperation a family might feel, desperation to do anything it takes especially when you can not feed your own child.

If the man is a muslim and not practicing, despite what anyone thinks that he is liberated, this makes matters even worse. Because then their is nothing to guide him and nothing for a woman to lean on. That is very scary. Their is no such thing as ethics. All ethics come from religious teachings. The culture and religion are one although many times they contradict one another. Most people can not seperate the two. The religion is a way of life that guides every action. If the man is a muslim and the woman a christin than the cultural differences of every day life and religious difference will eventually be a big problem because their are so many differences and they are huge.

I am not in any way judging the culture, it is just the way it is.

This is just food for thought.

If a person chooses to marry outside of their culture it is important to really know what that person believes and who they are from deep within. Read as much as you can not just on this site but books or articles on the society and culture. This way when you make such an important decision as marriage in your life, you can make an informed choice if this is truly how you want to live your life. If it is that is great and if it is not that is great too. The decision is ultimately yours to make but always make an educated decision with your life because it is so very short. Knowledge is empowerment.

Some questions to ask.....

Where does he live now?

What is his level of education?

How many are in his family?

How many brothers and sisters?

Is he the oldest?

Why did he get divorced?

What does he expect from his future bride?

What are his hopes and dreams for the future?

And remember words can be cheap. Do your research. Do not allow your emotions alone to make your decisions.

May Allah protect you from any wrong doing.

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