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Submitted by Straight_Talk_Luigi (United States), Jan 4, 2009 at 21:26

Hi there and thanks for sharing anonymousamerican!!! I am glad that you have decided to tell us about your story! Yes, a 20 year age difference is a cause for concern no matter who you are dating. Even the dating sites admit this at their own expense. Why?

Because as the older partner, you will more likely be the one who has to deal with aging. I hear a lot on here from women in their 30s, 40s and 50s about how they are attractive. I'm not one to dispute that, but personal beauty WILL ware with time, and if that is what your relationship is based on, don't expect it to last long unless you are looking for a miserable existence.

The other thing I hear from women on here is that these men are immature, and its more like they adopt a son than an equal life partner. Not exactly the type of person you want to take care of you when you need someone else to start helping you get around.

The quick marriage is a sure sign of scam---or at least bad motives.You say he is patiently waiting (is that what he told you?), yet you clearly seem to feel rushed. Being spontaneous like that means that you have less time to process what is going on and the pressure gets put on you to comply or risk losing the relationship. They also are NOT afraid to confront you if you act suspicious or ask deep, probing questions. In fact, they could even threaten to end the relationship all together.

Your man's assertation that people with 20 year age differences live good lives is entirely inaccurate. For one thing, most people prefer to date relative to their own age range, including the posters on this board. Keep in mind that many of them are divorced and finding a man in another country was NOT their first choice.

The "bond" you talk about I think is mostly in your head. Long distance relationships often catch people in this little trap. Because of the communication barrier, you are more free to fantasize what this other person may be like, but there is no way to tell without meeting them in person for a consistent, regular period to be sure. I do not believe how it is biologically or emotionally possible for two adults to build genuine trust and love over letters, phone calls and the internet. The success rates and personalities of many of those who do this say a great deal about the troubles talked about on here.

I do appreciate your clarification that you are not running into this to spite American men and that you are following your feelings. But what we all to understand with distance relationships is that it is easy to get caught up in them. It's really important to allow the "honeymoon" phase as they call it these days, to take place; this is the 3 month period or so when everything seems perfect and his flaws are not annoying you yet.

I would be very careful about his classification as a liberal. Those who do not accept the ruling Islamic law in Pakistan are frequently persecuted and punished. It's conservative values parrallel those of the Arabian peninsula and Iran. Quite stringent, and most unlike Egypt or Morocco.

The other problem with this is that religious men can and often will keep their true views a secret for fear of scaring off the woman. A lot of younger men who are Christian and Muslim may do drugs and have sex before marriage, but it does not mean they will give up their core values for life. They just want to have a little fun before settling down, and divorced women with kids are seen as a prime target for this.

You make a good point about living in another country. A lot of women on this forum have claimed to have traveled to another country, but to live there is an entirely different experience. Living abroad has an entire set of challenges of its own---you are effectively bound by the law of whatever land you are in regardless of what the Constitution says. By comparison, foreigners have come to our country, committed hanous crimes and have been sentencted to death.

It really sounds to me like you would not be excited about moving to Pakistan in the long term. I would not be either.

Listen, the fact that he wants you to move there does not mean this is the real deal. He could have other motives besides a visa like money or using your womb to spread jihad (yeah, I know, he's supposed to be liberal, but there are not too many of those in Pakistan).

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I don't look my age, although I don't look his either....obviously....

For some reason despite the age difference I have felt this tremendous bond and love for him. I never thought I would ever think about dating someone of that culture, but like I said he is not religious, and seems very liberal.

The bottom line is, he has been waiting patiently for me to come there and live with him all this time. The problem is, moving to another country. I'm sure it would be adventurous for a little while, but what about after that? Maybe I would hate it, but maybe I would love it.... But then again if he was wanting to come here, I would see that as a huge red flag and wouldn't even consider it. But he doesn't..............so if I want to be with him I need to move there.

He tells me he loves me on a regular basis but he doesn't do all the sweet talking, charming me, anything like that. He just seems like a very basic guy....he has never asked me for anything, other than to go be with him.

I really do not like the look of this at all. No one wants to hear that about the other person they are seeing, and again, I do give you kudos for having an open mind about this, but the age difference, the quick marriage, these are all signs something is not right no matter what country you would be living in. Really, these are universal markers that trouble is on the horizon.

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