American woman not yet in love with this Moroccan man....

Submitted by Jennifer (United States), Jan 7, 2009 at 13:32

I have a Moroccan male friend, who recently began discussing a relationship with me. I wanted to research as much as possible about Morocco, and that is when I first learned about the "green card for love" scams. Please note that it is part of my nature to doubt and question a person's motives if they are overly nice to me. So, I would still be speculative, even in a new relationship with an American man.

I care about my friend, but I want to learn as much as possible to protect myself. I have recently found so many stories of women falling in love, and being ultimately hurt in these situations. However, I have also found "success stories", of couples being happily married for several years now (at least past the couple of year's time needed for permanent residency establishment LOL).

I have noted a few of the traditional 'red flags' in my relationship with this friend: "religion is not an issue", "it does not matter you are divorced", "I would be good to your children", "you have changed my life", him saying "I love you" even though we have never met, etc. He lives with his parents, an older male sibling and a female cousin. He is Muslim, but he apparently does not practice strictly. He smokes when at home, and occasionally drinks (but he stays with friends if he drinks, out of respect for his family.) We have talked about the wrongness of smoking/drinking as a Muslim, but I do not know enough about what is accepted/overlooked in this religion and culture to have an in-depth conversation about it. I have expressed, however, that I personally do not condone the smoking and drinking, regardless of religion. Even so, there are other things about my friend that do not fit into the stereotype of an "ideal scammer" – so I need a little advice, or a lot of advice. : )

Of course, we met online, via Yahoo chat. We have been online friends for about 9 months now, with normal conversations, chatting as just friends about once every couple of weeks or so, nothing particularly romantic. Sometime in the beginning of December, he became freer to chat with me, due to a change in the hours he works. So, we began talking more, sharing more about our lives, sharing family pictures, talking via web cam, voice chat and email just about every day. I am very excited about our friendship, because he has introduced me to such a rich and strong culture. I have begun learning Arabic, and I am also learning about Islam and his Moroccan way of life. (Please note: I am genuinely excited and learning about this culture and religion is something I will continue to pursue, even if I do not continue a relationship with my friend. As an average American, I was seriously under-informed about many aspects of Middle Eastern society. Islam is a beautiful religion, and the culture of Arabic-Eastern people is incredibly unique.)

He is 30, never been married, no kids. I am 26 years old, divorced, with three children, all under the age of 9. So, I fit rather well into the demographic of women targeted by the "green card for love" scams. However, I am not desperate to be in love. At this point, I have the luxury of stopping the love aspect of this friendship/relationship as I choose. However, as with any relationship, the more I talk to this man, the more I like him. He has been telling me how much he cares about me, and wants to be "the One" in my life. (Who doesn't like to hear that stuff? LOL)

Of course, everything he tells me is just that: What he TELLS me. I have no real proof if what he says about his personal life is true, but I must say he is consistent with what he says. Here are a few things about him that do not fit into the usual "scammer" stereotype: (1) He has been open about my friendship to his family. I have actually chatted with his mom on cam (with my friend interpreting, of course), and she seems reserved, but very nice & friendly. (2) He bought materials, and his mother and cousin are making me a kaftan as a gift. I have actually seen the progress on it (gorgeous, by the way!), and he will be mailing it to me in the next week or so. (I have yet to hear of someone mention receiving gifts via mail from the man that scammed them...?) (3) He has a job, and has never even hinted at needing money. (which is good, because I would not send it to him anyway) He even offered to help pay for the cost of air travel, if I wanted to visit him in Morocco. (4) When we talk, he is at his home, not in a cyber-cafe.

I am planning a trip to Morocco in June of this year, during which I might meet this man and his family if we are still friends at that time. I have noticed that the people in these blogs/forums offer credible and genuine information and support. I would greatly appreciate your opinions, points of view, suggestions and advice. What type of questions may I ask him now that will help me determine if he is honest, if he would make a good Muslim husband? (Yes, I am thinking very far ahead, but I am a Planner and take dating someone as a step towards marriage. The smoking/drinking thing concerns me, Does this mean he is not a good Muslim, or indicate that he would be lacking in a marriage? This is very important, because in this culture, Islam and family are the strongest influences that keep a man doing what is right.) If I visit him in Morocco, what should I be mindful to observe about his way of life and his family, tell-tale signs that he and his family are genuine? One last question and this may seem silly, but how can I know if the female "cousin" living with him and his family is really a cousin? (I have heard the "scammer men" sometimes have a "sister/cousin" living with them who ends up actually being their wife???) I asked about his cousin, he said she is 35 years old and not married. I thought this seemed odd, in a culture where women are expected to marry young?

I feel almost ashamed asking for this type of advice, because it indicates I do not trust this man. But how could I fully trust him, we have not know each other very long and we do not get to spend time learning about each other in person. So, if I have a real opportunity to get information about the credibility of a new boyfriend, Muslim or not, I am going to take what I can get. Thanks in advance for any suggestion or comments!

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