Dora, I understand completely where you are coming from---Egyptian, marriage, control

Submitted by Straight_Talk_Luigi (United States), Jan 7, 2009 at 15:30

Hi there Dora!

First of all, you are not mad at all. Anyone in this situation would go crazy.

I am glad that you have decided to post and share your story with us! I know it's not easy for a lot of women to post on here.

What I see happening here is that if you get married, this will only get worse. When he says "God willing" it means it is what he wants, and that is for you to forsake your education and become a submissive housewife who does not go out. What will happen is that he will try and control your every move that means:

• No going out
  
• No male friends
  
• You stay at home all the time with the kids and do the household chores

Do NOT expect him to live by the same standards. Nine of ten times in a control battle, the man wins, especially if he was raised to see women not as equals in a marriage but with defined roles.

Honestly, Dora, if a girl I was dating asked me to change my clothes, I would tell her "too bad, I like it."

The sick feeling you mention----all too familiar to me. It means that things are not going well, and that you are pretty much disgusted with his relationship, but do not want to admit to it. I know because a few years ago I met a woman on-line in my home country. We were in a relationship, and then off and on for over 1.5 years. It made me sick to my stomach because I did not agree with her lifestyle and the fact that she was cheating on me and using me for money made it even worse. I've had that feeling before one too many times.

But even if you are not being used for money or a visa, you still have your usual pool of control freaks and jerks, Dora.

The bottom line here Dora is your man's strategy is not to have an equal partnership, but to break you spiritually. That way, you will give up and submit to him. Scammers and liars do this because it makes a person more agreeable. That's why Hilter (after he invaded Eastern Europe) starting going after groups besides the Jews. He knew that if the Axis were to control the world, they would have to break the spirit of those they were at war with. It's a nasty trick, but it does work.

The fact that he goes over a week without talking to you and you cannot stand it tells me that he is complete and total control here or very near the mark, and that is what he wants, Dora. Believe me, he will NOT let up, and getting married will be many times worse. Marriage rarely changes people, but it does reveal who the both of you really are. One of the worst thing a woman can do is marry someone thinking they can change that person. If anything, you'll be the one who will change.

That is why conservative Muslims prohibit Muslim women from marrying non-Muslim men.

Also, you mention that he says you basically just complain when you challenge him. This is a very sly trick, Dora, and what he's trying to do is blame something that is fault on you so that you will feel more guilty and even more importantly confused so he can break you and take further advantage of you. \

I do not think he cares about you at all, and were I to guess, I'd say he's a after a visa to the UK. Even if you're not convinced of that, Dora, life with this man would be horrible to say the least.

Now, I realize you do not think he is a horrible person, but remember that no relationship is bad 100% of the time, 24-7. The woman I previously told you about: we had our fun, too much fun in some cases. But it's really not worth sacrificing your health and well-being over, not to mention your sanity. Even people in abusive relationships still have a good time.

I can kind of see where you are going with whole education paragraph, but the reality is, Dora, education does not have a lot to do with it, unless perhaps you were taught the worldview that all the problems come from the well-to-do Christian Ango-Saxon male. I daresay it has more to do with how you feel about finding someone decent in your own neighboorhood, feeling socially isolated, or having gone through a bad experience like a divorce or a 5 year or more relationship where the man will not committ. These are the reasons I see for the international dating relationships more than anything else.

I actually started talking to Nigerian and Russian women after I finished secondary school because I was so sick and tired of American women and their ways.

What I found out was that these dating scams are even more dangerious for men than women, and men are much susceptible. In some cases, all they needed was a sob story and a picture of a model and the man would be sending over money without even meeting her.

Also, I want to say that I feel you will make a good wife and mother, but not under the thumb of this man. If you have already tried to talking to him to salvage any hope of making this better, then, there is not much else you can do because you will not change him.

I realize that no one wants to hear someone else tell them to leave their relationship, and I do not expect this happen overnight, but please, Dora, do this for yourself.

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