How cautious should one be?

Submitted by Lea (Italy), Jan 8, 2009 at 05:13

Hi everyone! I've been reading your posts for a couple of days, and decided to present my situation though my questions are slightly different; cause I liked this site as there are much responses and people actually seem to relate to others.

I'm a European (not from EU country) and have been living in Spain the last couple of years, due to my studies (am concluding my MA degree). Here I met a boy from Afghanistan (he's studying also) and we've been together for about a year. Now, I really fell in love, and seems viceversa ; and we're starting to make plans for the future. We have talked about marriage, but as something that ‘one day will be'.

As for the issues mentioned in other topics (red flags and allerts), I don't think he's with me for the documents (mine, though better than his, are not as ‘attractive' as those from EU countries); we are about the same age; I don't have all that money etc; and most important of all, it's always been a face to face relationship.

The only thing I would ‘avoid' (if the loved ones were chosen esclusively by ratio, and not by heart) is the religion part. He is indeed a believer and here our differences begin. I was raised christian catholic (my father is religious not so practicant, my mom not religius at all) and I, growing, do not include religion at all nor in my everyday life nor in my thoughts. Marx and "religion as opium for the people" kind of thinking :p As a matter of fact, I'm sort of scared of it, especially when Islam is concerned. I think about stories that could be heard or read...or involving children.

I don't see any problem in marrying the guy, for as the things work out (with ups and downs as in any marriage) we'll be toghether – and if he starts to act strangely (‘red flags after marriage' kind of stuff) we'll separate. But, with children together, the things complicate.. Has any of you had a situation with the ‘delusion' part coming after marriage and babies? How did you deal with it?? Can the father in those cases take the baby like for a visit in his country and u have problems getting it back??

Ok, now I seem like a wierdo and paranoid, and maybe you're asking why marry a guy who you don't trust. But that's not it. This moment I trust him big, really. But I can't tell what I'M going to think 10 years from now, how could I tell for another person?

Other thing, I don't want my babies to be ‘implanted' with some religion parents choose, and that is being telled to them that is the only right thing. Talking about it with my boyfriend, he says that the basis of islam AND christianity should be told to them, and that they should decide when they're grown ups. But I'm afraid.. as he REALLY believes in islam, that he'll try (all in best intentions) to pass ‘the right way' on his offspring.

If they choose to be muslim as grown ups, I really wouldn't have any problem with that. If they choose to be buddhist, or nothing at all, I wouldn't have any issue. My fear is that he does not feel like I do.

Wow this is a big reading, yet I have another question :p

Have your partners had any sort of problems with the social/bureaucratic/working integration? What I mean, have you noticed that for them was harder to find jobs (in their field, if thay have a degree), people treat them differently (or they enter in politics discussions!?), the State with issuing documents and so on?

I thank eveyone that came to these last lines ;)

If you could write any suggestion, your opinion or personal experience, I'd be most grateful.

Hugs from Spain :)

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