loveisblind, abuse etc

Submitted by Lina (United Kingdom), Jan 9, 2009 at 18:46

Wow, loveisblind, it's awful to hear of such stories where a woman invests so much time in a man, and loves him with all her heart, and all she gets in return is abuse. I can't imagine how crushing it must feel to learn that the person you fell in love with was little more than an illusion. Sometimes I think that the one you love and the one who loves you are never the same person.

Physical abuse is unacceptable all over the world, and I've known people who had traumatic childhoods but still managed to grow up well-rounded, and incapable of hurting a bug. So if a guy uses that as an excuse, I really wouldn't fall for that cr&p. Also, a lot of the time emotional abuse can be 10x more painful than physical abuse. I'm sure a lot of people wonder what made you stick with him, but a lot of domestic abuse victims will tell anyone that it's not that easy. Even the strongest, most independent women can fall into this trap, because these men are skilled at what they do. They play mind games, and I find that they love to prey on people who are easily guilt-ridden. And sick as it is, the kinder the woman (or man), the more they'll want you as their prey, they look for these signs early on.

It's almost like psychopathy, which is very destructive - maybe he really does have all the wrong emotions, and also the spontaneous antisocial behaviour...

And they do it because they feel powerless most of the time, so never feel overpowered by them, because deep down they feel worthless & put on a show - just like how a cat arches its back to appear taller than it is. He doesn't have what you have, the ability to love like you do, or your strength. And he resents that. Even if this man did love you, he is clearly mentally ill, and an angry, bitter man, and there is no way to re-wire his mindset. He wants you to feel as powerless and empty as he does, and that's not love. What a lot of women fall in love with in these guys, is the initial "attraction" phase - the sweet-talking, the promises, the dreams & compliments. He's the salesman. It's refreshing, there's not too many old-fashioned romantics about like that anymore, & if there are they're usually kind of eccentric. Maybe he does mean half of them, but most of the time they're nothing more than empty words.

Love is kind, trusting, selfless and patient. It's not jealous, abusive or controlling. What this man did to you has all the classic signs of domestic abuse; he wanted you to be his blank canvas, no individuality, but someone empty and lonely, like a puppet on a string that he could control, until you become nothing more than a hollow shell. I've heard of controlling partners, but your husband's behaviour way escalates that & is verging on psychotic paranoia. I don't care what culture he's from, no mainstream cultures I know condone the abuse of women.

You don't need him in your life, this is your & your kids' time, & it's time to choose another path. Close the door, close it hard & don't look back. Do whatever you can to get the justice you deserve. He needs some kind of mental help, it seems, so staying with him would also worsen his scenario. It's a crazy world out there, but you can come out of it like a diamond. Diamonds can only be scratched by other diamonds (which he clearly isn't), & the word stems from the Greek for "unbreakable".

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