to Luigi -- Children, Marriage and Religion (or not)

Submitted by Lea (Italy), Jan 11, 2009 at 15:10

Thank you for reading and for the comment you left!

I feel like explaining myself more. After living independently since I was 18 when I left home to live and study abroad, and with all sorts of hopes and dreams and high expectations I have now as I worked hard to get at this point, I never would have thought (nor wished, for that matter) to get involved with a man from Afghanistan (I'm very frank with you now) being his culture so unfamiliar and his nationality so much an issue these days.

I'm a young, educated and nice looking lady, without any ‘emotional baggage' from the past (not looking desperately for love, if we could put it this way) so – besides love and mutual understanding itself – there is no rational way to explain why him and not some other, ‘western' guy.

My parents of course, altough they not know the details, freaked out just as I mentioned the country. Well, they aren't to blame, I know. But due to them and their comments of "those men" being known for religious fanatism and a bunch of stories portraying women who never saw their children again, I felt obliged to at least look up at some more info there could be on the net.

After finding this site.. well one can not remain immune to that, so this I would say is the reason for me being confused and maybe sound in contradiction. Though I wouldn't call it contradiction, just trying to see the situation from every possible angle.

When I stated that I wouldn't have a problem with marrying him, I meant that I am ready to accept him for what he is and how he behaves:

- If he needs to pray, to me that does not do any harm. Actually, I have seen him praying only a couple of times as he really does not practice it 5x/day. Besides living together, we spent most of the day at the university and are fully occupied in totally other things. Yes, from time to time he starts feeling the remorse for not praying at all, so for a day or two he reads the Quran. This however has not made me feel under pressure in any way.

- He doesn't eat pork. As he is the one that cooks (must admit I'm not talented whatsoever) we do not eat it at home, but when we lunch at the university, I have my prosciutto-sandwich without any problem.

- He doesn't drink. In two occasions he drank a beer and I had to drag him home :p I myself practice that from time to time, and he knows my point of view: problem with alcohol is not the drinking part, it's the result (getting drunk), and as I'm much more being myself after 3 vodka-lemons than he being himself after one beer, than no issue shuold ever come up with me and my eventual vodkas ;-)

- His family knows about me, he told them this summer when he went home for a vacation. (His mother sent me some dresses but really they're all so.. shiny, am risking to be mean but I could never wear them lol ; his sis got me some heavy eye makeup and it's great!) Anyway they seem to have accepted that, his father has studied in Russia and well, if I learn russian (similar to my language) we should be able to comunicate properly.

- resolving conflict situations (1): after we have talked about marriage as a possibility for us, he suggested that we marry then and there, so we would be "clear in front of the eyes of God". My immediate response was that I find that suggestion somewhat disrespectful, cause Quran itself states that a man should be able to provide, and though he (my bf) knows I'm not into material things and of course will be a working woman, I still have the right to a marriage celebration that involves family gathering, wedding gown, dinner for everybody, honeymoon and so on, cause it really should be an important event! Being both students, the response is obvious.

(Of course it's not about the money, but one should be able to use the same type of arguments in discussions like that, instead of yelling "Are you out of your mind!?!" lol)

- resolving conflict situations (2): actually this one could even remain unresolved... He never pressured me about Islam being also for me the right path, but I can tell that he would be much more satisfyed if I were religious.. I mean, what's about that? Am I not going to paradise or something? Anyhow, now and then he used to show me this youtube videos, christian or islamic nevermind (!) that talk about how life or universe is too perfect so there must be God! Or some things science hasn't yet explained so there must be God, how can I not see it? (the youtube makes the statements, he never says anything just wants me to watch it). I regularly after 10 min get up saying the laundry won't be done by itself..

Afterwards he tried with showing me only christian videos (but result was the same) and then started with those of respectable university professors or scientists, that I indeed watched with more attention.

However, I tried to calmly explain several times that I'm not interested in that, but he only replys that he knows where I stand, and he indeed can not imagine me practicing any religion (going to church, mosque or wherever) but that he hopes, "for my sake", that someday I'll understand that God exists, whatever name I give him.

Now about religion, the funny thing is that I really try to behave as the basis of most religions teach you to do. How to be a Person ... is actually in common for all of them, don't you think?

The differences (the way I see it in the small world of mine) stand in all of those institutions, rules, names, gerarchies, who's the prophet, who's the saviour, who's the philosopher.. Those have created so many wars, uncomprehension and ultimately even hatred.

As for God itself, I never ever tought or said it does not exist. I'm agnostic. And a very practical and rational woman. If I could ‘choose' for something to be ‘afterwards', I'd really want him to exist. It would be great! But I can't just turn my actual not knowing (for people believe, not know) into some expectations based only on something ‘it would be great if it is', and risk the delusional part.

But I'm way out of discourse here.

So back to the story – he told his parents that I'm christian. Ok, I am baptized, had confessions, first communion and the other one that confirms the communion (don't know the word in english), so maybe he just tried to grab onto that to make acceptable our union for his parents, I guess..

Anyway, if he want's "for my sake" that I find the path of God (which on the other hand he is firmly convinced to have found), the issue of raising children it's not even a matter of trust anymore! ..it's kinda common sense for me to think that he'll try "for their sake" to teach them what considers best..

I don't know what to think anymore, what is the best way for raising children?! If I married someone that shares my beliefs, our children would have none at all religious education.. isn't that also some sort of ‘imposition'?.. (am reffering now to my last posting where I said I don't wan't my children to be ‘implanted' with some religion of parents' pure choice)

If I gain a promise that no strict religious education (studying Quran by memory, going on a regular basis in mosque etc) would be given to our kids, could I possibly accept this way?

The thing I consider most is that we live (and will be living) in Europe and – as kids are just kids – will at the end behave like other schoolmates or companions?

Well, I don't know if any of you will have the time or interest to read all this, but I'm open to any advice... and being on a ‘crossroads' now as I'm finishing university, have do decide (and fast) how to continue my life...

Thanks

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