Honestly...

Submitted by Jean (United States), Jan 17, 2009 at 23:31

I married an Egyptian man in 1995. We met in Los Angeles. I was not Muslim. I am now and don't regret that at all. After all these years too much has happened to tell here. We have two children now and this is the main reason I haven't left him.

Much of what you described sounds very familiar. Not everything is horrible about my husband but he certainly treats me often like I am a mere step above being a child. I am expected to obey him "even when he is wrong." He feins cooperative behaviour but when it all comes down to it, he will always have the final say.

I am not the type to fight, nor am I a pushover. I, however must yeild to him lest I risk being hit and then blamed for "pushing his buttons." This has happened. I am also educated and know what you mean about how hard it is. I have been emotioanlly abused for more than a decade by a man that claims to love me.

I too have felt very much like I have gone mad at times. I hate to say it but if you do marry, things are likely to become more frustrating for you. As it is now there is no legal or religious right he has over you. As a wife, he would feel a sense of entitlement from you and have rights over you. If you have kids things will be immensly even more complicated and your options even more limited. I want to make it clear that all the things that my husband does that makes me miserable are not Islamicly based. It is his culture and personality.

There is a Hadith (Islamic account of the sayings and actions of the Prophet Muhammed, peace and blessings be upon him) that the best of Muslim men is the kindest to the women in his life.(paraphrased) If that is a gage then controlling, paranoid, insulting, abusive, and vindictive behaviour cannot reflect well on my husband's standing in his religion. Never confuse Muslims for Islam. That is why I do not regret becoming Muslim by any means. I know what I am going through is not okay. It is very complicated. I wish that someone had explained these things to me a long time ago.

I clearly do not know you or even the details of your situation. From what I know of Egyptian men and the culture, you have written about signs of things that will make life with this man quite challenging if you choose to marry. I have been to Egypt several times. I have to say he is even more difficult when we we are there. I gues what I am saying, you are not mad and I would hesitate to marry him. I appreciate that you have strong feelings for him. I did for my husband too. That is part of what had carried me so far.

Now I am just jaded and trying to cope and make the best of things untill I can figure out what I want to do. The feelings for your fiance should not cloud other very important aspects that indicate whether or not you are a good match for marriage. I have no problem discussing anything via e-mail. There is so very much involved in marrying, and especially when you have different religions, cultures, and nationalities. I don't believe that my husband married me for a visa or what not. I did find out later that he married me because he thought I had "potential." He has over the years tried to make me into or teach me to be the wife he feels he deserves.

In many ways I have grown but in the process I have lost most of myself. It is a terrible feeling. I leave this rather long post with words of warning. Investigate things about him and yourself before ever marrying. If your feeling sick now, I can only think that it will be worse once you marry, maybe not right away but it will creep in and you will wonder how you got there.

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