to jean

Submitted by a muslim woman (United States), Jan 18, 2009 at 22:46

Assalamu Alaykum waramatuAllahi warabarakatu Jean:

After reading your story I would agree with you. It is so true that most muslim men expect there rights as husbands and give there wives very little of their rights, most of the time they do not even know the rights there wives have over them or they deny them.

MashaAllah through all you have gone through and are going through you are a very strong woman. Most people think it takes a strong woman to leave but it also takes a very strong woman to stay. There is no easy solution once you are married and have children. Sometimes it is almost impossible to get out. Because either way you lose and many times the effects are so profound that one can never truly recover. This can be a life altering situation with the wrong person.

That is why I encourage anyone thinking about marrying any person from any country really take some time to research what he is all about. And by that I mean the religion and culture. Many times you will find a muslim practicing there culture much more than the religion. They will follow the fiq (law) of Islam but they do not follow the ruh(spirit) of Islam.

Many pick and choose what is convenient. Sad but true. The truly good men of the culture usually marry there own women because they are willing to follow the rules, they have nothing to hide and they do not need anything other than the family they will build with that person. There are formalities with no exceptions. The only way to avoid the formalities is to marry outside of the culture. There are expectations with no exceptions. Both the men and the woman are not sexually active before marriage, nor do they discuss it over a web cam, it is considered sacred and private, also forbidden and disgrace to the family honor no matter how liberal. Love and sex are two totally different things. Some people have no problem telling someone what they want to hear to get what they want.

It does not matter how beautiful she is or how much education she has, she/he is very vunerable without the knowledge of knowing what is expected within the instituion of marriage. The roles of the man and woman that are expected to be played out within the marriage. There really is no such thing as mine thinks differently. You can take a person out of there country but you can never take the culture out of the person. Marriage is a huge responsibility that too many people take very lightly. Usually a "liberal" has less ethics in these situations.

May Allah (swt) be with you Jean and guide you through this situation. Please believe that "After every hardship there is ease".

Salam

Note: Opinions expressed in comments are those of the authors alone and not necessarily those of Daniel Pipes. Original writing only, please. Comments are screened and in some cases edited before posting. Reasoned disagreement is welcome but not comments that are scurrilous, off-topic, commercial, disparaging religions, or otherwise inappropriate. For complete regulations, see the "Guidelines for Reader Comments".