Dear Jean

Submitted by Dora (United Kingdom), Jan 20, 2009 at 14:27

Dear Jean,

Thank you so much for your post. I dont know if you read my later post, but I have plucked up the courage to break off the engagement. It is refreshing for someone like you to be so candid. Everything which you have spoken about is what I fear. Having children with someone that has erratic behaviour and may one day prevent me taking them from out of the country because we live in Egypt. He had already expressed a leaning towards this if anything went wrong with us in the future. Also, the sheer lack of reason and feeling so worthless all of the time. There has been so much prayer and pleading with God to help me because I couldn't take anymore.

The mix up between culture and religion is also a huge issue. I agree, from what I have read ,the woman seems to have rights in his religion, yet he was prepared to take mine away all to often. At first, I believed it was for the good of his religion, but as time went on, I managed to sort out the cultural aspects. They were all to much for me to contend with. I left my own country to travel, only to be told that a trip to the supermarket had to be agreed on. It was literally five minutes from my home.

I dont know if you have found this but the irony is that if he was not so controlling, you would naturally let your fiance/husband know where you are going. For me, a deep resentment set in. When he met me I had a great position, one which he 'claimed' to respect and be proud of. Of, course as time went on my skills were less and less important according to him. You know what makes me laugh though Jean, most women have a natural urge to be a great mother and wife, I started out like this, but I found that my desire was impacted deeply by his 'rules' . His desire to change me and make me 'more perfect' filled me with dread and not enthusiasm. I felt like I was being re- programmed consistenly.

The emotional abuse is something that I, like yourself, have also found hard to deal with. I have no bruises so you almost ask yourself if you have imagined it most of the time. Someone controlling your friends, clothes, thoughts, outings and telling me to be more like his mother was so awful. "I am me!", I kept saying. The sulking for ten days at a time made me feel physically sick. If I disagreed with him, he would simply walk out and say he was punishing me. I couldn't understand the hypocrisy, on one hand I wasnt allowed to go out much and had to be home at a time he set, yet when he sulked he would ignore me for days on end, knowing that I am in his country alone. My health has seriously suffered from the stress and the body is such a sounding board for bad situations, it hurts alot.

I think in the end I had the realisation that nothing I did would ever be good enough. I have seen the posts from women on here who like yourself have converted, which I think is really great of one's own accord. However the consensus is that they are often not necessarily treated any better for their efforts. The point that I am making is that what these particular men seem to want is never ever enough for them. They are not happy unless they have erased all personality and self-worth. I am not convinced that even this makes them content!

Believe me, the pain of packing up and moving on is immense. I have sacrificed a great deal to make this work and compromised to the detriment of my character ,because I felt that the love was enough and would conquer all. We had love. I was not ignorant of the culture, upheld myself as a respectful member of the community where I lived, learnt the language well, dressed modestly and as a rule, I do not smoke or drink. By all accounts, I tried to embrace his culture. His parents and I developed a good relationship over the years together, but really that would not have saved our marriage in the end.

Now I will ask you to forgive my rant, it just eases the pain sometimes. I am trying to start a new life without him. Some days Im strong and some I'm weak. Really, I am leaving it in God's hands now. If he chooses not to send me a good husband for a few years, he knows best. I shall just wait patiently until he feels the time is right.

Jean, I would very much like to hear more from you and your experiences, if you have the time.

God bless and thank you so much for your words.

Note: Opinions expressed in comments are those of the authors alone and not necessarily those of Daniel Pipes. Original writing only, please. Comments are screened and in some cases edited before posting. Reasoned disagreement is welcome but not comments that are scurrilous, off-topic, commercial, disparaging religions, or otherwise inappropriate. For complete regulations, see the "Guidelines for Reader Comments".