faith

Submitted by a muslim woman (United States), Jan 21, 2009 at 22:37

Hello Faith,

I apologize that it has taken me so long to respond to your post. I did read it last night. But I had to really think about your situation and find the words to respond accurately.

First, only God knows what anyones true intentions are. With that being said, let me tell you what I know about the Jordanian culture, as I know it very well. Jordanian muslims are much less free when it comes to sex. It is considered very private and forbidden in Islam and they usually do not speak about it not even to their own family members.

What truly concerns me is that you are a secret. This in Islam is forbidden also. When one decides to ask for someone in marriage there is a formal procedure followed. This is how it goes. Since there are no family members on your side to ask for your hand in marriage, he can ask you directly. However, once you accept you are now engaged and that must be announced. This is for two reasons, one to let the public know that it is ok for you two to be together (not intimately) and to announce his intentions with you. This is a safeguard for the woman. This protects her reputation and also protects her from someone who is deceiving her. The engagement period is the time in which a man and a woman are allowed to talk and see one another to find out if they are compatible to build a family with one another.

If this mans family does not approve then why is he doing it? What is going to happen later? Family ties in Islam and the muslim world are very strong. There is no such thing as a man or woman going out on there own. What will he tell them how he got to America?? They know very well it is not any easy process. What are his plans once he comes? There are many muslims from Jordan here, surely he must know someone who is already here? Does he talk from his home.

Jean I am not saying that your fiance or husband? I do not know your husband to know what his intentions are but I do know what he is doing is outside of the guidlines of Islam and his culture. Which puts you in a very vunerable position. There are no safeguards in place to protect you from someone who could potentially be using you for his own gain. This is very worrysome to me. If I were in your position, I would definetely ask him that he must tell his family and they must speak with you. Even if you can not speak the same language. He must seek their approval if this is he truly loves you he will do that. There is no Jordanian woman that would accept those circumstances unless they wanted to be disowned by there own family. Meaning these formalities are put in place to protect the woman within the society. Their families would not allow this.

Lastly Faith, I would like to explain a little about how marriage is viewed within Islam, first it is considered 1/2 of the religion and completion of ones religion. Second it is very serious with both the husband having rights over the woman and woman having rights over her husband. Unfortunately many muslims will take or expect there rights and not recipricate the rights of the other person. Especially if the other person does not know there rights. Happens all over the world, where people are taken advantage of in many instances because they do not know there rights and I am not referring to just matrimony. I am referring to everyday life. The cultures itself are so vastly different that it is truly a heartbreak for someone trying to make a marriage work and yet nothing seems to be working.

Do a little research Faith if you have time. Google Jordanian culture. Ask him from what Balad he is from. This means town. Google the name of the town. Google the family name in that town. Find out what the rights of a husband and wife are and what that means. I think after you have done that you will have a better idea to make an informed decision about such an important decision for your future.

Good luck to you, May Allah(swt) bless you and keep you from harm.

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