African American Woman & The Desert Prince

Submitted by Sonja (United States), Jan 23, 2009 at 18:04

I want to thank you for this blog. I appreciate the women who have shared their stories about their experiences with Muslim men. Mine is similar.

I recently broke off an engagement to a Touareg man from Niger. This tall and handsome man of the nomadic Touareg tribe fascinated me with his culture of camel riders, indigo fabrics, Sahara sand dunes, tent dwellers, Touareg tea ceremonies, fantastic music, and the rebellion over uranium. Wow.

I was introduced to him by an African American woman who frequents his country with a non profit organization engaging in well building projects and educational projects for the children in this very poor country. The woman has known my former fiancee for over ten years. He also has been making visits between Niger and the US for under ten years. His visa was about to expire. She wants to aid him in whatever way possible.

I'm 44 years old and I am not naive to the game. I've dated African men in the past. His seeking papers wasn't a problem for me even though they never told me outright that was their intentions. I knew this would be a transactional deal. The question being what do I stand to gain from this transaction. He didn't love me. I am not Muslim and I told him clearly that I had no intention of becoming Muslim. I don't look like I'm of Touareg/Berber descent. And friends reminded me of potential complications arising from having children with him.

Again the question, what did I stand to gain? An upgrade in social status from being single to being married? Is that shallow or desperate? Yes and no. For me, being single and alone is fine. But, sometimes, being and single and lonely... sucks. After years of failed relationships with both American and non American men, marrying for convenience and companionship is not so bad. He told me he was poor. I suspect otherwise. He sold beautiful jewelry and leather wear from his tribe. When the political climate is right, he makes a viable living as a tour guide in Niger. He has had two round trip tickets (worth over $2000.00) in the past nine months.

When the friend and him approached me about marriage, they offered me the chance of having children. Having babies? Yeah.. that resonated truth to me. My biologial alarm clock rang. I was half-way trying with my former American boyfriend. But when ttc (trying to conceive) at my age I need to have consistent relations with my partner. The boyfriend and I weren't doing it on the regular. Hmmm.... maybe having a husband would allow me to be a mother. Again maybe or maybe not. There are no guarantees at my age. I shared this with him. Everyone knows this. And him being African and Muslim allows him to dump me and have a younger and more fertile wife at any time. He can easily do this when goes home to Niger for visits.

I figured this deal is too risky... especially when he told me that marriage is only about having children to him and that as a Muslim man he would be encouraged to remarry. Thats when I decided to call things off with him. And the other reason.... Up until then he has been lying around the friend's house, helping her babysit another friend's children. He doesn't show interest in learning how to use public transporation or in seeking employement. His excuse for not working is his not having a work permit or SS#. He figured that once he married me he could obtain these papers.

He sells jewelry to his friends' associates when there is an opportunity but he never made clear how he intended to help with bills once he got married to me. I own a townhouse, a car, and I help run a family owned assisted living facility for senior citizens. He told me, "you have everything. I am poor." I'm not buying this excuse. I saw pictures of his family members that he brought back from Niger. They looked comfortable, well nourished, and blessed to me. The beautiful African attire that many were wearing from the tourbans the men wore to the beautiful lace ensembles worn by his mom and sister bespoke some sort of status according to their standards of living.

And another tip off that he was insincere was the fact that these pictures were on a digital camera that was given to him before he left for Niger in November. He had that camera long enough to have taken a picture of me (which he never did) to show his people when he returned. He didn't have a picture of me to show his family. He had taken several pictures of his white American friends prior to his departure and of course a few of the African American friend with her son and grand baby when they went to San Francisco. I suspect that his tribe may be guilty of colorism -- caste system where brown hued people are on the lower social rung. Another big issue for me was that I never heard from him the entire time while he was away. He never emailed me or anything

! He called me from New York City on December 30 and asked me to pick him up at the bus station in Baltimore. He said he emailed me and that he can show me the letters in his email accourt of mail sent to me. I saw the letters in the email account but I still don't understand why they weren't delivered to me. No one else has had a problem in the past. When he returned he gives me a gold engagement ring that he claimed that he had made for me. We had discussed this engagement ring prior to his return home when he backed out of doing the Muslim engagement ceremony last fall.

Well, he returned with the ring and told me that he wanted to get married to me right away. This took place on January 1. He also shared with me that the situation between the Touareg tribe and the ruling Hausa tribe was getting worse. He was a part of the first rebellion in the nineties. Now he no longer feels safe travelling to Agadez and he is at risk of being detained should the local authorities in that region see him. He told me that his mother wishes to live in America. She encouraged him to marry me. Now he is more motivated with following through. However...somewhere in his mind, I suspect that he would marry me without making any sacrifices or investment on his end. As I said before, since his return, the African American friend has had him to look after her other African friend's children in the evenings because this woman had to go to Africa to see family.

During the day, this guy just lies around, sleeps, watches dvds, and surfs the net for information on the rebellion. I seriously don't like this behavior. There is no way in the world I can marry this guy without him finding some sort of paying gig. My siblings insisted that he needs to offer me a monetary gift for this marriage. I don't insist on it as it is illegal and not necessary. Although, I told him his not having to pay me a bride price as he would be required to do in Africa doesn't get him off the hook of giving me a decent diamond engagement ring, a Muslim marriage ceremony, and his religious and cultural obligation to be a good provider.

It was important to me that he be willing to meet standards that had some meaning to both our religious and cultural sensibilities. He was quietly pushing for just a civil service. I could see through this. I already knew that having a Muslim ceremony would give weight to the Muslim family back at home. Also, I discussed his having to sign a prenuptial agreement but a friend said that he also needed to put in writing how he intended to help pay the bills in the household. Even though I know there are times when wives are the main bread winners in a household due to various reasons, I didn't want to establish a pattern of this at the beginning of my marriage. I figured if I could help him find a job before we got married then he and I would both feel better about him moving in with me as my husband.

Back in Niger, he also worked in a large hotel in the capital city. He had a head position there for ten yeas. I introduced him to a friend of mine in the hospitality industry in Baltimore who said he could help him find work with or without papers. After that introduction, he tells me that once he got married he could his papers that would enable to work at a local restaurant one of his tribal brothers managed. This also turned me off as I had spent time, energy, and gas in setting up this meeting with my friend.

And I was beginning to resent driving him everywhere and him not willing to use public transportation. After that incident and his telling me earlier in the evening that marriage is meaningless without having children, I had to break it off as it appeared that he was deteremined to marry me on the cheap.... I stood to lose too much time and energy for a guy who is only interested in marrying me for papers so he could send for his family later. I forsaw him using me to support him indefinitely until he made his move. Needless to say I told him that I would be buying or paying for a husband should I marry him and I'm not willing to sponsor him. In addition, I told him that he needed to marry a much younger woman if having children were his main objective. He bolted out of my car and said good bye.

Now, I'm to meet with the match maker friend to discuss this with her. I want to be diplomatic with her as I am also the caregiver of her elderly mother in my assisted living home. What do I say? She so wanted this to work so my former fiancee could remain and come and go as pleased.

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