To Lily - listen to Margaret

Submitted by yasemin (Canada), Mar 25, 2009 at 14:01

Margaret's advice is excellent and I hope you will pay attention to what we're telling you, mostly for the sake of your children. I just thought I'd expand on what she has said.

Re: "he thinks like me" - of course he does - it's the con artist's game. You express a view and he agrees. They know how women think and know our need for romance and love and they tap into this. Mine expressed an interest in nature - AFTER i told him of my great love of nature. Wasn't true. He played romantic music online to seduce my heart. His real preference was heavy metal. So transparent in hindsight but I was desperate to meet my "soulmate". Men in these countries don't think like us, as Margaret says. They certainly don't believe in women's rights and equal treatment of people of different races and religions. Anti-semitism and racism are deeply embedded in their thinking. Also a mistrust and hatred of foreigners.

The reality of life in Turkey - very poor healthcare - dangerously inadequate in fact, unless you use the private hospitals and doctors. Do you want this for your children ? Education - same sad state of affairs.

Your life as a woman there - First of all, know that you are viewed as a loose woman because you're western and you'll be subject to a lot of harrassment or worse. I was kidnapped briefly by a mini-bus driver but knew enough turkish to get out of it. Happens a lot to foreign women in Istanbul. If your husband is fairly religious ( you didn't say and this is critical and he might hide this from you ), the following will be expected behavior: You will be expected to wait on him. You won't be allowed to look out your window because, as my husband stated, only prostitutes do this". Funny, he didn't mention this before I came. When walking down the street, be sure to cast your eyes down at the pavement if you pass by a man because a woman who looks into a man's eyes on the street is a prostitute. I still find it hard to stop doing this here at home because the rule was so strict. Don't chat with your grocer either - neighbors keep tabs on your behavior and you'll be viewed as a loose woman. As Margaret says, you'll be expected to wait at home while your husband is out with his pals. For men in Turkey, his family ( mother, father, siblings ) is first, friends second, you third. His mother will run the marriage, picking out clothes for him, etc. He can't side with you in any battle involving his mother. If you have children together, I suspect these children will be favored over yours. Margaret is correct in saying "it is quite rare for a muslim man to raise non-biological children..." Blood lineage is everything there.

and then, after he gets the visa, he'll just leave and you won't hear from him again. Marriage there is not romantic - it's an alliance that is broken with no hesitation. Or maybe he'll abuse you first to force you to leave.

Your children deserve much better. If you love them, please reconsider this desperate search for love. They need you to be whole and happy so they can grow up to be well-adjusted, happy people.

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